I hope you'll believe That this story is fact, For I scorn to deceive, And refuse to retract; For truth I've a great reputation, And wish to preserve it intact. Which is why I observe-- And my statement is true-- That for ways that unnerve, And for deeds that out-do, St. Denys of France was peculiar, And the same I have proved unto you. _Lays of the Saintly_, by Walter Parke (Vizetelly and Co.) London, 1882. * * * * * THAT INFIDEL EARL! (_Plain Language from Artless Ahmed, Istamboul._) AIR--"That Heathen Chinee." SULTAN _sings_-- I--aside--may remark,-- And I mean to speak plain,-- That for games that are dark, Masked by manners urbane, That Infidel Earl licks me hollow-- And _I_ am no novice inane. DUFFER-IN is his name, But I'm bound to deny, In regard to the same, What that name might imply. Though his smile is so pleasant and placid, A Sheitan there lurks in each eye. Istamboul was the spot Where we played, and you'd guess That the Giaour got it hot-- Found himself in a mess. Yet he played it on me, did that Giaour, In a way that was loathsome--no less. We sat down to the game, DUFFER-IN took a hand; I felt sure that the same _He_ could not understand; But he smiled as he sat at the table With the smile that was placid and bland. _My_ cards were well stocked,-- As no doubt you'll believe,-- And I felt--_don't_ be shocked!-- I'd "a bit up my sleeve." For when playing with sons of burnt fathers Our _duty's_ to dupe and deceive. But the hands which were played By that dog DUFFER-IN, And the tricks that he made, Were a shame, and a sin, Till at last I was "bested" completely, And the Giaour scored a palpable win. Then I felt that _my_ guile Was but simple and slight, And he rose, with a smile, And he said, "_That's_ all right! Think I'll take the next turn with dear TEWFIK!" And he started for Cairo that night. In the little game there I may not take a hand; But, my TEWFIK, beware! He is gentle and bland, Yet he'll probably give you a hiding,-- Few games that he'll _not_ understand. Be the game short or long, He's ne'er flurried nor stuck. His lead is _so_ strong, He has Sheitan's own luck; And you'll find in this goose--as I thought him-- What occurs to geese--_sometimes_--that's "pluck." Which is why I remark, Though I own it with pain, That for games that are dark, Masked by manners urbane, That Infidel Earl licks me hollow, And I don't want to play _him_ again! _Punch_, November 11, 1882.