Yes, Gentlemen of England, Do picture, if you please, The fate that probably awaits Your sorely-tried M.P.’s. Think of those frequent dinners Of which they’ll get no bite When the bell Sounds their knell, And compels them to the fight; Till the lobbies echo with the groan Of outraged appetite! Think of the miles of walking Divisions will impose, On those who, spite their gouty pains, Must follow “Ayes” or “Noes.” Think of the cramps they must endure When furtive naps they take, With what racks In their backs They will suddenly awake; When they have slumbered in their seats For their constitution’s sake. “Britannia needs no bulwark”―― Or so her poets claim―― But he who makes Britannia’s laws Should have an iron frame. Yes, he _does_ need a bulwark ’Gainst all the session woes, ’Gainst the roar Of the bore, And the battle’s stress and blows! If his digestion be not sound, He scarce will see its close. For dark is the horizon, And on the rising breeze, Clouds, shaped like “all-night sittings,” The weather-prophet sees; And fears that even pheasants The Sportsman shall lay low Ere the last Of the blast Through St. Stephen’s halls shall go; Ere the sharp “Hear, hear,” is heard no more, And the storm has ceased to blow. _Truth_, February 7, 1884. ―――― YE MARINERS OF ENGLAND. _The Salisbury Version of Campbell’s Song._ [It would appear from one of his recent speeches that Lord Salisbury considers Mr. Chamberlain a sham philanthropist, who only wishes to injure the poor innocent shipowners, and has no real desire to benefit seamen by his Merchant Shipping Bill.] Ye mariners of England, That trust in Joseph C., Whose tale has gulled a thousand ears, Receive the truth from me. He champions you for selfish ends, Does philanthropic Joe, And you’re “had” by the Rad, When the stormy winds do blow. Our sailors need no Bill-wark To guard them on the deep; Shipowners all are worthy folk, And calumny is cheap. Their vessels stand the tempests’ test, And never go below, So no more on that score, When the stormy winds do blow. Obstruction’s flag in Parliament Shall yet terrific burn, Till Gladstone’s rabble rout depart, And the Tory clan return. Then, then, ye ocean simpletons, Brum tactics we shall “stow,” None will back Merchant Jack, When the stormy winds do blow. _Funny Folks_, June 21, 1884. ―――― RULING THE WAVES. (_Freely adapted from Campbell._)