THE SECRETARY’S SONG. I. When a fellow finds in Tennis his enjoyment, Or maturing his pot-hunting little plans, If the Secretarial duty’s his employment, He had rather it were any other man’s. He wishes he’d a cousin or a brother, Who would do the little job and think it fun, Oh, take one consideration with another, His official lot is not a happy one; Ah! When a Secretary’s duty’s to be done, His official lot is not a happy one. II. When the cunning young mug-lumb’rer’s not mug-lumb’ring, When the shirker doesn’t fail to come to time, Still the Secretary mustn’t be caught slumb’ring, Nor waiting for the distant village chime. When the players fall a-wrangling with each other, Or the Referee’s dry sherry short has run, Oh, take one consideration with another, His official lot is not a happy one, Ah! When the Secretary’s duty’s to be done, His official lot is not a happy one. III. When the grass is very hard, or wet and sloppy, Or your spikes are ploughing furrows in the ground, Every ball will be “found dead,” or much too hoppy, And, of course, will “hardly ever” fairly bound, Then you’ll surely find the cause of all the bother In the Secretary’s duty badly done; Oh, take one consideration with another, His official lot is not a happy one. Ah! When the Secretary’s duty’s to be done, His official lot is not a happy one. IV. When the weather is propitious, bright, and sunny, Our tournament successfully we hold; Then how gleefully we gather up the money, And the Secretary gladly counts the gold. But, when clouds and wind and rains the heavens smother, Then the Secretary’s blamed for lack of sun; Oh, take one consideration with another, His official lot is not a happy one. Ah! When the Secretary’s duty’s to be done, His official lot is not a happy one. From _Tennis Cuts and Quips_. London, Field and Tuer. ―――― THE WHEELIST KING. (_Parody on_ “The Pirate King.”――_Pirates of Penzance._)