“’Tis plainly my duty to warn you that we―― Though we’d rather not say, ‘You shan’t!’―― Shouldn’t like it at all, if you cut up quite small Your grandmother’s aged aunt.” Then up rose the King of the golden toe, And he tore off his Chancellor’s wig. “You idiot,” said he, “have you no repartee To answer this son of a pig? Now listen, you ugly preposterous man, You wretchedly lily-white cus I’ll make you regret that you got in a pet, And made such a deuce of a fuss! I’ll cut every one of my brothers in half; Their mothers I’ll tenderly boil; And I’ll frizzle each niece in buffalo-grease, And fry all my uncles in oil. O yes, you may threaten; I don’t care a d―― For you and your silly ‘You shan’t!’ And I’ll certainly smother my aged grandmother, As well as her elderly aunt. For am I not King of the golden toe, And the monarch of Mandalay? And I laugh in my sleeve, for I’m led to believe That England is far away. And your army I read in my _Daily News_―― Three men and one little wee boy―― Has sufficient to do with King Cetewayo: Good morning, my dear Envoy! And please have the goodness to leave me alone, For my temper’s uncommonly quick. Don’t think me uncivil――but――go to the devil! And――send me some rum, there’s a brick!” SCOAD. A VERY DRY TALE. (_To the air of the ‘Precocious Baby.’_) A monarch of Burmah, I cannot tell why, With his sips and ‘nips’ For his parched-up lips, Was plagued with a throat so excessively dry, ’Twas useless to try To ‘wet t’other eye,’ Because he was perfectly, perfectly dry. ’Twas shocking in one of exalted degree, With his ‘Pour a drop more, Encore and encore,’ ’Twas painfully sad for the monarch of B., As thirsty was he As a fish from the sea, As thirsty, as thirsty, as thirsty could be. His ministers tried to relieve him at first With coffee and tea And soda-and-b., But couldn’t relieve his insatiable thirst; They all did their worst For the King, who was curst From youth with a singular, singular thirst. Of each kind of tipple they brought a supply (With whisky and brandy, And other drinks handy), And wept that their monarch should still remain dry; But laugh when he’d try With his jester to vie, For even his jokes were exceedingly dry.