When this old joke was new, This time worn heritage, The monkey-man its points did scan On pre-historic page. His footmark was the only print; His leaves were leaves that grew; The only tint was Nature’s tint When this old joke was new. When this old joke was new, Our literature was scant, And _literateurs_ had no reviewers With hearts of adamant; No wild-eyed poets raved of “Spring” We had our tails it’s true, But novels were’nt a general thing When this old joke was new. When this old joke was new, We drew an easier breath; For we had then no funny men To make us long for death; There was no _Punch_ austere and flat, To paint our faces blue; They wouldn’t have tolerated that When this old joke was new. When this old joke was new, We somehow hadn’t hit That loss of shame which builds a “name” On other people’s wit. Perhaps folks were more honest then; Had consciences a few, And different from _our_ race of men, When this old joke was new. HAL BERTE, _The Detroit Free Press._ ――――:o:―――― SAID A SMILE TO A TEAR. Said a Smile to a Tear, On the cheek of my dear, And beamed like the sun in spring weather, In sooth, lovely Tear, It strange must appear, That we should be both here together. I came from the heart, A soft balm to impart, To yonder sad daughter of grief: And I, said the Smile, That heart now beguile, Since you gave the poor mourner relief. Oh! then, said the Tear, Sweet Smile, it is clear, We are twins, and soft Pity our mother: And how lovely that face Which together we grace, For the woe and the bliss of another! JAMES KENNEY. An amusing parody of this song, entitled _The Loves of the Plants_ will be found on page 70 of Volume I. of the Universal Songster. Unfortunately it is too long, as well as too broad, to be inserted in this collection. ―――― THE STEAK AND THE CHOP. Said a steak to a chop, On a hook in a shop, In the dog-days, and very hot weather, “Dear chop, it is clear, If we long tarry here, We shall certainly melt both together.” Said the chop from the chump, To the steak from the rump, “Unless there’s a change in the weather, Lovely steak, I agree, In a mess we shall be, And be kitchen-stuff made both together.”