Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite HumoristPeck, George W. (George Wilbur)
General
Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite Humorist
Peck, George W. (George Wilbur)
American wit and humor
She did not tell him that she had been eating huckleberry pie, so he laid
the coating on her tongue to some disease that was undermining her
constitution. He put his ear on her chest and listened to the beating of
her heart, and shook his head again. He asked her if she had been exposed
to any contagious disease. She didn't know what a contagious disease was,
but on the hypothesis that he had reference to sparking, she blushed and
said she had, but only two evenings, because John had only just got back
from the woods where he had been chopping, and she had to sit up with him.
The doctor got out his pill bags and made some quinine powders, and gave
her some medicine in two tumblers, to be taken alternately, and
told her to soak her feet and go to bed, and put a hot mustard plaster on
her chest, and some onions around her neck.
She was mad, and flared right up, and said she wasn't very well posted,
and lived in the country, but if she knew her own heart she would not play
such a trick as that on a new husband.
The doctor got mad, and asked her if she thought he didn't understand his
business; and he was about to go and let her die, when the bridegroom came
in and told him to go ahead with the marrying. The doc. said that altered
the case. He said next time he came he should know what to bring, and then
she blushed, and told him he was an old fool anyway, but he pronounced
them man and wife, and said the prescription would be five dollars, the
same as though there had been somebody sick.
But the doc. had cheek. Just as he was leaving he asked the bridegroom if
he didn't want to ride up to Ashland with him, it was only eighteen miles,
and the ride would be lonesome, but the bride said not if the court knew
herself, and the bridegroom said now he was there he guessed he would
stay. He said he didn't care much about going to Ashland anyway.
COMFORTING COMPENSATIONS.
If a farmer's wheat is killed by rain, he is consoled by the fact that
rain is just what his corn needs. If his cattle die of disease, his
consolation lies in the hope that pork will bring a good price. If boys
steal his watermelons, he knows by experience that they will have the
cholera morbus. So everything that is unpleasant has its compensation.
LAY UP APPLES IN HEAVEN.
[Illustration: NO MORE APPLES FOR THE MINISTER.]
They tell a good story at Portage City, at the expense of Senator Barden,
or a minister, we don't know which. Barden had a lot of apples sent him
last fall, and he was anxious to sell them, before winter set in. One day
he thought of a new minister that had settled in Portage, so he made up
his mind to take him up a couple of barrels, supposing that when he went
to heaven and saw the big ledger opened, there would be a credit about as
follows:
L.W. BARDEN,
in acc't with Providence,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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