Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite HumoristPeck, George W. (George Wilbur)
General
Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite Humorist
Peck, George W. (George Wilbur)
American wit and humor
They want something tangible on which they can base their belief, and
while the ministers do everything in their power to encourage sinners by
picturing to them the lake of fire and brimstone, where boat-riding is out
of the question unless you paddle around in a cauldron kettle, it seems as
though their labors would be lightened if they could point to the sun, on
a hot day in August, and say to the wicked man that unless he gets down on
his knees and says his "Now I lay me," and repents and is sprinkled, and
chips in pretty flush towards the running expenses of the church,
and stands his assessments like a thoroughbred, that he will wake up some
morning, and find himself in the sun, blistered from Genesis to
Revelations, thirsty as a harvest hand and not a brewery within a million
miles, begging for a zinc ulster to cool his parched hind legs.
Such an argument, with an illustration right on the blackboard of the sky,
in plain sight, would strike terror to the sinner, and he would want to
come into the fold _too_ quick. What the religion of this country wants,
to make it take the cake, is a hell that the wayfaring man, though a
Democrat or a Greenbacker, can see with the naked eye. The way it is now,
the sinner, if he wants to find out anything about the hereafter, has to
take it second handed, from some minister or deacon who has not seen it
himself, but has got his idea of it from some other fellow who maybe
dreamed it out.
Some deacon tells a sinner all about the orthodox hell, and the sinner
does not know whether to believe him or not. The deacon may have lied to
the sinner some time in a horse trade, or in selling him goods, and beat
him, and how does he know but the same deacon is playing a brace game on
him on the hereafter, or playing him for a sardine.
Now, if the people who advance these ideas of heaven or hell, had a
license to point to the moon, the nice, cool moon, as heaven, which would
be plausible, to say the least, and say that it was heaven, and prove it,
and could prove that the sun was the other place, which looks reasonable,
according to all we have heard about 'tother place, the moon would be so
full there would not be standing room, and they would have to turn
Republicans away, while the sun would be playing to empty benches, and
there would only be a few editors there who got in on passes.
Of course, during a cold winter, when the thermometer was forty
or fifty degrees below zero, and everybody was blocked in, and coal was up
to seventeen dollars a ton, the cause of religion would not prosper as
much as it would in summer, because when you talked to a sinner about
leading a different life or he would go to the sun, he would look at his
coal pile and say that he didn't care a continental how soon he got there,
but these discouragements would not be any greater than some that the
truly good people have to contend with now, and the average the year round
would be largely in favor of going to the moon.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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