“Listen, Gregory,” she said, with no tremor in her voice but deepening
sadness in her eyes, “I regret that I have no children because they
would be yours. I am willing to live and die alone because I have
lost your love. I know how I lost it, but, as I look back over my
crudity and ignorance, I do not see how I could have kept it. You were
immeasurably above and beyond me. Nature, or some mental inheritance,
gave you sensitiveness, refinement, distinction, to say nothing of
brains. I had to achieve all that I am now. I was a raw conceited fool
like thousands of American girls of any class, who think they are
just a little too good for this world. I had ceased to love you in
my inordinate love of myself, and the natural consequence was, that
as I made no attempt to improve myself, I lost you as soon as my halo
of novelty had disappeared. I took for granted, however, that I was
returning from Europe to the old conditions. When I discovered that
you had no such intention I was piqued, astonished, angry. But when
I thought it all out I understood. You were within your rights, and
you have behaved with decency and self-respect. I have nothing but
unmitigated contempt for two people that continue to live together as
a mere matter of habit and convenience. They are the real immoralists
of the world, and the girls that ‘go wrong’ know it and laugh at the
reformers. Of course I never had ceased to love you down deep, but it
took just the course of conduct you pursued to make me known to myself.
I realise that it is hopeless--too late. I never intended to betray
myself, but I did so in an unguarded moment yesterday. Otherwise I
never should have told you all this. I have realised since then that
I have lost you irrevocably, but at least if I cannot be your wife I
will be no man’s, and I shall continue to bear your name--and see you
sometimes.”
Gregory, feeling as if he were being flayed, had dropped upon the edge
of a chair and buried his face in his hands. When she finished he said
hoarsely: “I never dreamed--I never imagined--I thought you incapable
of real feeling----”
“I think I was then. And since--Well, you are only a man, after all,
and I made you think what I chose until yesterday--Do you mean----” she
added sharply, “that you did not guess--did not _know_ yesterday?”
“It never occurred to me. I thought you merely were flirting a
little----”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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