"It is the art of knowing precisely, by examination of the smoke which comes out of the chimney, what your neighbour has for dinner." "Upon my soul, if one could send an excuse at a late hour, that might be useful." "My friend is quite an adept. He can tell first and second course _entremets_, and even if the different articles to be put on the table are done to a turn, or not." "Now, Mr Simple, what do you think of that?" inquired the captain. "I think, sir, that it's all smoke." "Bravo, Mr Simple! you've said a very good thing." So I thought, too; but, as I wasn't quite sure, I would not laugh till all the rest of the company did. As Mr Phillott wished to hear the end of the captain's story, he would not contradict him about the wine, by stating what he knew to be the case, that the captain had sent it on board at Barbadoes; and the captain proceeded. "Well, I gave up my cabin to the old lady, and hung up my cot in the gun-room during the passage home. We were becalmed abreast of Ceuta for two days. The old lady was very particular about her pug-dog, and I superintended the washing of the little brute twice a week but at last I was tired of it, and gave him to my coxswain to bathe. My coxswain, who was a lazy fellow, without my knowledge, used to put the little beast into the bight of a rope, and tow him overboard for a minute or so. It was during this calm that he had him overboard in this way, when a confounded shark rose from under the counter, and took in the pug-dog at one mouthful. The coxswain reported the loss as a thing of no consequence; but I knew better, and put the fellow in irons. I then went down and broke the melancholy fact to Miss Kearney, stating that I had put the man in irons, and would flog him well. The old lady broke out into a most violent passion at the intelligence, declared that it was my fault, that I was jealous of the dog, and had done it on purpose. The more I protested, the more she raved; and at last I was obliged to go off deck to avoid her abuse and keep my temper--I had not been on deck five minutes before she came up--that is, was shoved up, for she was so heavy that she could not get up without assistance. You know how elephants in India push the cannon through a morass with their heads from behind; well, my steward used to shove her up the companion-ladder just in the same way, with his head completely buried in her petticoats. As soon as she was up, he used to pull his head out, looking as red and hot as a fresh boiled lobster. Well, up she came, with her will in her hand, and looking at me very fiercely, she said, `since the shark has taken my dear dog, he may have my will also,' and throwing it over board, she plunged down on the carronade slide. `It's very well, madam,' said I; `but you'll be cool by-and-bye, and then you'll make another will.' `I swear by all the hopes that I have of going to heaven that I never will!' replied she. `Yes you will, madam,' replied I.