"Speaking of the $140,000,000 paid out yearly by the government in pensions," said a prominent member of Hood's brigade to the Post's representative, "I am told that a man in Indiana applied for a pension last month on account of a surgical operation he had performed on him during the war. And what do you suppose that surgical operation was?" "Haven't the least idea." "He had his retreat cut off at the battle of Gettysburg!" The Winner After the performance of "In Old Kentucky" Friday night three old cronies went into a saloon with the inflexible determination of taking a drink. After doing so, they added an amendment in the shape of another and then tacked on an emergency clause. When they got to feeling a little mellow they sat down at a table and commenced lying. Not maliciously, but just ordinary, friendly lying, about the things they had seen and done. They all tried their hand at relating experiences, and as the sky was clear, there was no matinee performance of the Ananias tragedy. Finally the judge suggested the concoction of a fine large julep--a julep that would render the use of curling irons unnecessary--and the one who told the most improbable story should be allowed to produce the vacuum in the straws. The major and the judge led off with a couple of marvelous narratives which were about a tie. The colonel moistened his lips as his eye rested on the big glass filled with diamonds and amber, and crowned with fragrant mint. He commenced his story: "The incident I am about to relate is not only wonderful, but true. It happened in this very town on Saturday afternoon. I got up rather early Saturday morning, as I had a big day's work ahead of me. My wife fixed me up a rattling good cocktail when I got up and I was feeling pretty good. When I came downstairs she handed me a five-dollar bill that had dropped out of my pocket and said: 'John, you must really get a better looking housemaid. Jane is so homely, and you never did admire her. See if you can find a real nice-looking one--and John, dear, you are working too hard. You must really have some recreation. Why not take Miss Muggins, your typewriter, out for a drive this afternoon? Then you might stop at the milliner's and tell them not to send up that hat I ordered, and--" "Hold on. Colonel," said the judge. "You just drink that mint julep right now. You needn't go any further with your story." Hungry Henry's Ruse Hungry Henry: Madam, I am state agent for a new roller-action, unbreakable, double-elastic suspender. Can I show you some? Mrs. Lonestreet: No, there ain't no man on the place. Hungry Henry: Well, then, I am also handling something unique in the way of a silvermounted, morocco leather, dog collar, with name engraved free of charge. Perhaps-- Mrs. Lonestreet: 'Tain't no use. I ain't got a dog. Hungry Henry: Hat's what I wanted to know. Now fix me de best supper you'se kin, and do it quick or it won't be healthy fur you. See? A Proof of Love