"When he called me names I never looked at him, but when he pitched into you, I--I had to fight!" "What! Did he call me names?" "Lots of 'em, father! He said you lied to your constituents, and went back on the caucus and had!"-- "William, put on your coat and vest, and here's a nickel to buy peanuts! I don't want you to come up a slugger, and I wish you to stand well with your teacher, but if you can lick the boy who says I ever bolted a regular nomination or went back on my end of the ward, don't be afraid to sail in!"--_Free Press._ * * * * * One of the Harvard students has fitted up his room at a cost of $4,000. We suspect that the young man's room is better than his company. * * * * * "Don't be afraid," said a snob to a German laborer: "sit down and make yourself my equal." "I would haff to blow my brains out," was the reply of the Teuton. * * * * * "Yes," said Mrs. Egomoi, "I used to think a great deal of Mrs. Goode, she was always so kind to me; but then, I've found out that she treats everybody just the same." * * * * * Jerrold said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print: "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window." * * * * * Arthur--"I say, what do you mean by fighting my hog all the time?" Bismarck--"I means nodding in de vorld; I vash not fighting dot pig. We vash choost playing mit one anudder." * * * * * "Yes," said a fashionable lady, "I think Mary has made a very good match. I heard her husband is one of the shrewdest and most unprincipled lawyers in the profession, and of course he can afford to gratify her every wish." PRINTER'S INK. Little drops of printer's ink, A little type "displayed," Make our merchant bosses And all their big parade. Little bits of stinginess, Discarding printer's ink, Busts the man of business, And sees his credit sink. * * * * * "Jump on the scale," the butcher said Unto a miss one day, "I'm used to weighing, and," said he, "I'll tell you what you weigh." "Ah, yes," came quick the sweet reply From lips seemed made to kiss, "I'm sure, sir, that it would not be First time you've weighed amiss." The butcher blushed; he hung his head And knew not what to say; He merely wished to weigh the girl-- Himself was given away. * * * * *