Professor Tim & Paul Twyning : $b Comedies in three actsShiels, George
General
Professor Tim & Paul Twyning : $b Comedies in three acts
Shiels, George
Comedy plays; English drama -- Irish authors
DEEGAN. You are a wise woman--and a rare woman--to pay no attention
to stories.... Send Daniel to me. He’s in the kitchen.
MRS. DEEGAN. Och, granda, won’t you take a wee taste of something
after the drive?
DEEGAN. Not at present. I have important legal business to transact
to-day, and I always make it a rule to keep the mind clear for
business.... Tell Daniel to come forth.
MRS. DEEGAN. You were always a great business man, granda. I wish
your sons had taken after you.
DEEGAN. My sons were graceless and without understanding. Send Daniel
to me.
_MRS. DEEGAN goes to the kitchen, and PATRICK comes in._
PATRICK. Heth, that mare’s in big fettle, father. But she needs a wee
bit off her mane and tail.
DEEGAN. Her mane and tail will do me very well. But what about
yourself? You’ve had another big spill since I was here.
PATRICK [_lamely_]. It was the fair day, and I got a wee taste too
much. But I’ve tane the pledge for life, and means to keep it....
DEEGAN. Silence, sir! How dare you stand there and tell me you have
the pledge for life! Couldn’t I smell your breath the moment I entered
the yard?...
PATRICK. Aye, so you’re right. I tane a wee thim’leful this
morning....
DEEGAN. Patrick Deegan, beware! I may have to answer at the Bar of
Judgment for putting you in a public-house. Take this from me as final.
One other burst and I’ll put this licensed property to the hammer.
PATRICK. I could curse the day you ever put me in it.
DEEGAN. And I have been cursing the day ever since.
PATRICK. If you’d gimme the property at first and let me run it my
own way, I’d be a different man the day.
DEEGAN. A different man indeed! You’d be in the graveyard or the
madhouse many a year ago. [_Stands up._] But since you’ve raised the
question, I’ll settle it now, once for all. Then you’ll know where you
stand.
PATRICK. That’s all I want to know.
DEEGAN. Your name will never be in the deed of this property.... You
know now.
PATRICK. Say that again!
DEEGAN. If I don’t sell the house, I’ll leave it to your crafty wife,
and she in turn will leave it to her crafty son. There now. That’s your
settlement. [_Sits._]
PATRICK [_foaming_]. The day you do that I’ll burn it to ashes--I
will, by Mozes!
DEEGAN. And welcome. It’s well insured.
PATRICK [_boils over_]. Aye, maybe it is.... Maybe it’s well
insured.... I know nothing about that.... I’m only the tenant. But I
know this much. You’d better insure yourself. D’ye hear me? Insure
yourself ... and your ould Yankee trooper....
_DAISY comes in from the bar, her face flaming._
DAISY. Patrick Deegan, who are you calling names to? Is it me, is it?
Am I the old Yankee trooper, am I?
PATRICK. Shut up! or I’ll hinch you as far as I can hinch you out the
middle of the street.
_MRS. DEEGAN rushes in._
MRS. DEEGAN. What’s wrong--what’s wrong?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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