Psmith, JournalistWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Psmith, Journalist
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
He dropped his hand on to the seat, and remained silent for a few
moments. The taxi-cab was buzzing along up Fifth Avenue now.
Looking towards the window, Psmith saw that they were nearing the
park. The great white mass of the Plaza Hotel showed up on the
left.
"Did you ever stop at the Plaza, Comrade Parker?"
"No," said Mr. Parker shortly.
"Don't bite at me, Comrade Parker. Why be brusque on so joyous an
occasion? Better men than us have stopped at the Plaza. Ah, the
Park! How fresh the leaves, Comrade Parker, how green the herbage!
Fling your eye at yonder grassy knoll."
He raised his hand to point. Instantly the revolver was against his
waistcoat, making an unwelcome crease in that immaculate garment.
"I told you to keep that hand where it was."
"You did, Comrade Parker, you did. The fault," said Psmith
handsomely, "was entirely mine. Carried away by my love of nature,
I forgot. It shall not occur again."
"It had better not," said Mr. Parker unpleasantly. "If it does, I'll
blow a hole through you."
Psmith raised his eyebrows.
"That, Comrade Parker," he said, "is where you make your error. You
would no more shoot me in the heart of the metropolis than, I trust,
you would wear a made-up tie with evening dress. Your skin,
however unhealthy to the eye of the casual observer, is doubtless
precious to yourself, and you are not the man I take you for if you
would risk it purely for the momentary pleasure of plugging me with
a revolver. The cry goes round criminal circles in New York,
'Comrade Parker is not such a fool as he looks.' Think for a moment
what would happen. The shot would ring out, and instantly
bicycle-policemen would be pursuing this taxi-cab with the
purposeful speed of greyhounds trying to win the Waterloo Cup. You
would be headed off and stopped. Ha! What is this? Psmith, the
People's Pet, weltering in his gore? Death to the assassin! I fear
nothing could save you from the fury of the mob, Comrade Parker. I
seem to see them meditatively plucking you limb from limb. 'She
loves me!' Off comes an arm. 'She loves me not.' A leg joins the
little heap of limbs on the ground. That is how it would be. And
what would you have left out of it? Merely, as I say, the momentary
pleasure of potting me. And it isn't as if such a feat could give
you the thrill of successful marksmanship. Anybody could hit a man
with a pistol at an inch and a quarter. I fear you have not thought
this matter out with sufficient care, Comrade Parker. You said to
yourself, 'Happy thought, I will kidnap Psmith!' and all your
friends said, 'Parker is the man with the big brain!' But now,
while it is true that I can't get out, you are moaning, 'What on
earth shall I do with him, now that I have got him?'"
"You think so, do you?"
"I am convinced of it. Your face is contorted with the anguish of
mental stress. Let this be a lesson to you, Comrade Parker, never
to embark on any enterprise of which you do not see the end."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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