Or, more correctly, the punishment was then conceived as a symbolic act. From this arose the illusion of the desired situation, which was then accompanied by an intense psychical feeling of pleasure. The lustful feeling then spread out over the whole body in lustful physical sensations, and thus the perception of the painful quality of the punishment was overcome. The process in the moral punishments—the humiliations to which I subjected myself—was similar, but simpler; because it was confined to the mental sphere. These were also attended with pleasurable feeling when the self-deception succeeded. It was seldom, however, that it succeeded well, and never perfectly; there always remained a disturbing element in consciousness. Therefore, in the intervals, I returned to solitary onanism. Moreover, in the other case, the conclusion of the act was usually an ejaculation provoked by onanism; often an ejaculation without the aid of mechanical means. Thus I went on for many years, with diminishing power, but with slightly diminished desire, and with the power of my peculiar sexual idea over me unchanged. And at present the condition of my vita sexualis is the same. Coitus, which I have never performed, still seems to me a strange and unclean act. I learned about it from descriptions of sexual dissipations. My own sexual ideas seem natural, and do not in the least offend my sensitive taste. Their realization, as previously mentioned, for various reasons, leaves me unsatisfied. I am pleased with pretty girls and women of respectability, but for a long time I have ceased to approach them. I have never attained, not even partially, a direct, actual realization of my sexual fancy. As often as I have come into close relation with females, I have felt the woman’s will to be beneath mine, never _vice versâ_. I have never met a woman manifesting a desire of mastery in sexual things. Women who wish to rule in the household and exercise petticoat sovereignty are entirely different from my erotic ideals. My whole personality presents many abnormalities besides the perversion of my vita sexualis; my neuropathic condition is expressed in many mental and physical symptoms. Besides, I think I recognize in myself an original abnormality of character in the nature of a resemblance to the feminine type; at least, I regard as of this nature my great weakness of will, and my great lack of courage in the presence of men and animals, which is in contrast with my coolness in the face of peril. My external appearance is entirely masculine. The author of this autobiography also made me the following communication:—