TOM DUNCOMBE thanks his stars that the Jews never can come into Parliament, as it will be a matter of impossibility for them to swallow the immense quantity of _gammon_ there is in the House. * * * * * WHAT "CAN" THE POLICE BE ABOUT? A wretched creature who hangs about the _Punch_ Office thrust the following indescribable piece of nonsense under the door: "When is the weather favourable to Haymaking? When it 'rains pitchforks.'" There! and yet we pay a police rate of two shillings and twopence in the pound. * * * * * A MISTAKE IN ALL THE MAPS. Whatever geographers may say, in order that the combined fleets may enter the Dardanelles, they must get out of the Pacific. * * * * * [Illustration: EFFECT OF THE CAB STRIKE.--GOING TO THE OPERA IN A WHEELBARROW.] * * * * * THE LAMENT OF THE PORTSMOUTH SLOPSELLER. Pretty Christianth! No war! Dey von't fight after all! Pretty Christianth, nice Christianth, dese nations I call Dey promith'd so fair to cut each others' throatsh, And dey're goin' to thettle de shquabble by notesh! Not a goin' to fight!--and deir quarrel arose About deir religionth--not comin' to blows! Dere never was Christianth behaved so afore, But who's to depend on 'em now, any more? Here'th we bin' a goin' and thtockin' our thopth, And what shall we do now wid all dem old thlopth Wid which all our thelvth and our vinders is filled-- No war, nor no actionth, nor no theamen killed? Vat customers is dere dem vatcheth vill buy, As ve've got for the thailorth--dem vatcheth to fry? Dem jewels, rings, thatins, and thilks, all in store Agin JACK with prizemoney comin' athore? And vere's all de monish ve thought good as made In other thmall vays of rethpectable trade, Such as lodgin' and board for de tars to provide, And p'raps a few thlight 'commodations bethide? Dere's JACOBTH a cryin', 'cause now he von't get JACK JUNK to run head over ears in his debt, Vid his Vill and his Power, lest he shouldn't come back. By vay of insurin' de life of poor JACK. Vot a shame o' them Christianth our hopes to ecthite, And then for to cruth 'em, and not have no fight!-- Just ven as ve'd made up our mouths for the meat-- Pretty Christianth! I thpose you don't call this no sheat! * * * * * THE BILL OF THE SESSION. A more important Bill than any which has been introduced into Parliament this Session remains to be brought forward. That is, the Bill of National Expenses, including the baker's bill, which will have been incurred on account of the paper war with Russia. * * * * * OUR HONEYMOON. MONDAY, MAY 27, 18-- "TOM'S a good fellow,"--said FREDERICK, when he got to bed.