I do not think I ever spent a more miserable day than the one in
which I acted Mrs. Beverley for the first time. Stage nervousness,
my father and mother both tell me, increases instead of diminishing
with practice; and certainly, as far as my own limited experience
goes, I find it so. The first hazard, I should say, was not half so
fearful as the last; and though on the first night that I ever
stood upon the stage I thought I never could be more frightened in
my life, I find that with each new part my fear has augmented in
proportion as previous success would have rendered it more damaging
to fail. A stumble at starting would have been bad enough, and
might have bruised me; but a fall from the height to which I have
been raised might break my neck, or at any rate cripple me for
life. I do not believe that to fail in a part would make me
individually unhappy for a moment; but so much of real importance
to others, so much of the most serious interests and so much of the
feelings of those most dear to me, is involved in the continuance
of my good fortune, that I am in every way justified in dreading a
failure. These considerations, and their not unnatural result, a
violent headache and side-ache, together with no very great liking
for the part (interesting as it is, it is so perfectly prosaic),
had made me so nervous that the whole of the day was spent in fits
of crying; and when the curtain drew up, and I was "discovered,"
I'm sure I must have looked as jaded and tear-worn as poor Mrs.
Beverley ever did. However, all went well with me till the last
act, when my father's acting and my own previous state of
nervousness combined to make my part of the tragedy anything but
feigning; I sobbed so violently that I could hardly articulate my
words, and at the last fell upon the dead body of Beverley with a
hysterical cry that had all the merit of pure nature, if none
other, to recommend it. Fortunately the curtain fell then, and I
was carried to my dressing-room to finish my fit in private. The
last act of that play gives me such pains in my arms and legs, with
sheer nervous distress, that I am ready to drop down with
exhaustion at the end of it; and this reminds me of the very
difficult question which you expect me to answer, respecting the
species of power which is called into play in the act, so called,
of _acting_.
I am the worst reasoner, analyzer, and metaphysician that ever was
born; and therefore whatever I say on the subject can be worth very
little, as a reply to your question, but may furnish you with some
data for making a theory about it for yourself.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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