DOCTOR. Now then, my dear sir, leave the management to Alexey
Vladimiritch; the affair is turning out serious.
PROFESSOR. Leave him alone, he (referring to GROSSMAN) is talking in
his sleep!
FAT LADY. How glad I now am that I resolved to be present! It is
frightening, but all the same I am glad, for I always said to my
husband....
LEONID FYODORITCH. Silence, if you please.
[TANYA draws a thread over the FAT LADY'S head.
FAT LADY. Aie!
LEONID FYODORITCH. What? What is it?
FAT LADY. He took hold of my hair!
LEONID FYODORITCH (whispers). Never mind, don't be afraid, give him
your hand. His hand will be cold, but I like it.
FAT LADY (hides her hands). Not for the world!
SAHATOF. Yes, it is strange, very strange!
LEONID FYODORITCH. He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who
wishes to put a question to him?
SAHATOF. I should like to put a question, if I may.
PROFESSOR. Please do.
SAHATOF. Do I believe or not?
[TANYA knocks twice.
PROFESSOR. The answer is affirmative.
SAHATOF. Allow me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket?
[TANYA knocks several times and passes a thread over SAHATOF'S head.
SAHATOF. Ah!
[Seizes the thread and breaks it.
PROFESSOR. I should ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial
questions. It is unpleasant to him!
SAHATOF. No, but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand!
LEONID FYODORITCH. A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not
only threads but sometimes even silk cords--very ancient ones!
SAHATOF. No--but where did this thread come from?
[TANYA throws a cushion at him.
SAHATOF. Wait a bit; wait! Something soft has hit me on the head.
Light a candle--there is something....
PROFESSOR. We beg of you not to interrupt the manifestations.
FAT LADY. For goodness' sake, don't interrupt! I should also like to
ask something. May I?
LEONID FYODORITCH. Yes, if you like.
FAT LADY. I should like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to
know what to take: aconite or belladonna?
[Silence, whispers among the young people; suddenly VASILY
LEONIDITCH begins to cry like a baby: "ou-a, ou-a!" (Laughter.)
Holding their mouths and noses, the girls and PETRISTCHEF run
away bursting with laughter.
FAT LADY. Ah, that must be the monk who's been born again!
LEONID FYODORITCH (beside himself with anger, whispers). One gets
nothing but tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave
decently, go away!
[Exit VASILY LEONIDITCH. Darkness and silence.
FAT LADY. Oh, what a pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born!
LEONID FYODORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. But he is
here. Ask him.
PROFESSOR. That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite
usual occurrences. I expect he is still here. But we may ask. Leonid
Fyodoritch, will you?
LEONID FYODORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So
unpleasant! Such want of tact!...
PROFESSOR. Very well.... Nicholas, are you here?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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