"I would do so, if I only could leave some trace here. A friend may ask for me here, and I would be sore if she could not find me,--if she only cares." "Oh, she will," he laughed, "she will. Of course, I am not posted in your personal affairs, but--a lady always _can find_ one, _if_ she cares. Ha-ha-ha! Youth is always youth! But you better go without leaving traces...." I continued: "Nachman, there is another thing. Here is an old man,--a friend of mine,--he is very sick. His days are numbered, and I feel very sorry for him. If I go away all will be lost for this old chap; he has nobody in this world. Could you use your power and place him in a hospital? I will give you money, of course,--I have some." Nachman sighed: "This is so out of time! Nowadays love and charity are much more dangerous than murders and thefts." Then after a pause, he continued; "Very well, friend, I will take care of your man. Hand me the money." Then he gave me a letter to his friends in Ekaterinburg (it was ready in his pocket) and we parted. I am free, happy, independent, with a good standing amongst the present Russians. And if only _she_ could be near me ... but there is no perfect happiness on this strangest of planets of ours. 53 (_pages missing_) ... heavy trucks, and other military paraphernalia. Some of the men on them surely are not Russians, Letts, or Germans, or ... (_nine lines scratched out_) ... I don't know whether it was Nachman's talk or the truth. Anyhow I am going away,--again alone,--alone forever. Damn life! I cannot look backwards--I feel sorry for my past; the present--is sufficiently bad not to speak of it; the future--is just as dark--as this night. Not a star, not a single star. The old man was taken to the People's Hospital this afternoon. He thanked me. 54 ... starting rumors of the killing of the whole Family, and always emphasizing that this tragedy--was the supreme penalty brought to the altar by the Emperor. Nachman, and others, who--it seems to me, know what they are talking about, foresee many chances; the best of them, is of course the fact, that some ... (_few lines scratched out_) ... are in this enterprise, and therefore it might be crowned with success. I really do not know what to think. Only one point is clear: I cannot believe that our sufferings, the sufferings of the _whole country_, are unknown beyond our frontiers. They must be known; the tears shed cannot during so long a time fall on stones,--even stones get wet. If they are not known,--these sufferings,--if our hands stretched for help are not seen, if we are condemned just for the only fact that we are Russians,--and if ... (_a page missing_) 55 ... knocked at the door. I hardly had time to say "enter," when something enveloped in a thick brown overcoat rolled in, jumped at me and in a second covered all of my face with hot kisses. I answered them very attentively. Then I noticed that the amiable creature was Lucie.