The most popular monarchs have their enemies. Doubtless, I have mine, particularly in these sad days of delusion and pretended reform. But, then, I have reason to think, that some, and probably the number is large, though ostensibly my enemies, are _secretly_ my friends. From motives of _policy_, they say they must _appear_ to be against me, but when _closeted_ they assure me that they still _love_ me, and I think they often give no small evidence of the fact. They have a deep _intestine_ attachment to me. Upon these friends I depend to restore me to my former honors, and had they the power, I think I should reign as triumphantly as ever. Before I proceed farther, I must say a word about my domestic affairs, and which explains the trouble that has grown up in society, in respect to me. Many years ago I was married to Cold Water. We had a large family, the pride of which we called Grog, and a glorious fellow he was too. I hardly knew his equal, unless it was Toddy――the drollest dog you ever met with. Such times as we did have! Toddy, Grog, and the rest, used to fall to and scratch, bite, pull hair, give black eyes, &c. Those were glorious days, and I am sorry to say, that the times have grown very degenerate. I positively fear that a row or a black eye will not be heard of ten years hence. However, I must go on with my speech. Some evil-minded persons brought about a divorce between me and Cold Water; she then set up for herself, and since that time, there’s been a regular strife between us. We’re now trying to see which shall get the biggest army, and the consequence is that society is torn to pieces. My dear friends, listen to me, and then choose on which side you will enlist. Let me tell you something about my followers. In the first place they are _brave_. In a single instance, during the revolutionary war, the English officers mingled gunpowder with the spirit, in order to inspire their soldiers with greater courage. I could have taught them a better lesson than this. They needed a little _Fourth proof Jamaica_. FOURTH PROOF, you observe――_that_ manufactures the courage. Why, I never yet saw an army or a rabble, whose courage flagged, if they had taken a sufficient quantity of the pure “_critter_,”――pure, pure, you observe, not weakened down till you couldn’t tell whether there was most water, or most spirit. I have some _veterans_ in my service, which I think would stand an action as hot as Bunker Hill is said to have been. These are my _red-eyed_ and _red-nosed_ soldiers, and whom I keep as a _corps de reserve_. I think of enrolling them in a regiment by themselves. They are without “fear of things present or things to come.” Promotion is certain in this corps, and all my soldiers get into it, after a proper length of service. My subjects, also, possess strong points of _similarity_.