"But really," he answered, helplessly honest, "it sounds wonderful as
you tell it, but what could _I_ do with it? I couldn't very well go to
_live_ in Ashley, Vermont, could I?"
"Why not?" she asked. "A good many people have."
"Well! But ..." he began, incapable of forming any answer, incapable of
thinking of anything but the dark softness of her gaze on him. What was
it they were talking about? Oh, yes, about selling out at Ashley. "Oh,
but I have other plans. I am just about to go to China."
"_China!_ Why to China?"
Neale lost his head entirely ... "notice more what he was about?" He had
not the least idea what he was about. He said to her rather wildly, "I
hardly know myself why I am going to China. I'd like, if you will let
me--I'd like ever so much to tell you--about it. And see what you
think. You know about Ashley, don't you see?" He was aware that the
last of what he had said had no shadow of connection with the first, but
that seemed of no importance whatever to him.
They were standing now near a low wall, under some thick dark ilex
trees, a fountain dripping musically before them. Mechanically they sat
down, looking earnestly at each other. "You see," began Neale, "I'm
trying to find my way. I was in business in the States, and getting
along all right ... 'getting on,' I mean, as they say. And then I got to
wondering. It seemed as though, as though ... I wasn't sure it was what
I wanted to do with my life, just to buy low and sell high, all my life
long. Perhaps there was more to it than I could make out. It certainly
seemed to suit a lot of folks, fine. But I couldn't seem to see it. I
was all right. Nothing the matter. Only I couldn't ... why, I tell you,
I felt like a perfectly good torch that wouldn't catch on fire. I
couldn't seem to _care_ enough about it to make it worth while to really
tear in and do it. And I thought maybe if I got off a little way from
it ... sometimes you do see the sense of things better that way. So I
went away. I took a year off. I'd saved a little money, enough for that.
And I've been trying to figure something out. Of course I've been
enjoying the traveling around, too. Perhaps that's the real reason why I
want to go to China, just to keep going, see new things, get away, keep
free. But I think about the other a good deal ... what can I do with my
life ... that's sort of _worth while_, you know, if only in a very small
way. I'm a very ordinary man, no gifts, no talents, but I have lots of
energy and health. It seems as though there ought to be _some_thing ...
doesn't it?"
He had stumbled on, breathlessly, involuntarily, hardly aware that he
was speaking at all, aware only that she was listening. With her head
bent, her eyes fixed on the ground, the pure pale olive of her face like
a pearl in the shadow of her hat, she was listening intently. He knew,
as he had never known anything else, that she was listening to what he
really meant, not to what he was saying in those poor, plain, broken
words.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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