Then there is the Masefield method. That would consist in writing an enormously long poem about the Bowery, in verse full of expletives, oaths, and tough adjectives, called “Street-pity.” “Take that, and that, and go to Hell. Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell.” On reflection, I reject all these methods. I will leave the matter to my pen. The only way to write is to let the pen do the work, like what happens in planchette (except when somebody cheats). Very few writers think before they write or even when they are writing; they let their pen guide their thoughts. And I am certain that those writers who write too much suffer from a disease of the fingers and not of the brain. Before saying a word about America, I apologize for anything I shall say which may sound or be absurd. A wit once said that the American and English people had everything in common, except, of course, the language. There is, I think, a great deal of truth in this: the words are the same, but they mean different things and they are used in different ways. Some day, when I have learned the American language properly, I mean to write a large book on the American language. In the mean time, the following condensed grammar for foreigners may prove useful for Americans going to England, as well as for Englishmen going to America:-- _Chapter I_ _Rule I._ (Very important.) Whenever you say “in” in English say either “on” or “to” in American. (Note that all English people say, “on a ship,” except British naval officers. If you say, “on a ship,” to a British naval officer,--if, for instance, you say, “Jones is on the Dreadnought,” he will get very angry and correct you, and say, “_in_ the Dreadnought.”) There are one hundred and twenty-six exceptions to this rule, the most important of which is this:-- “To be in trouble” is not translated “to be on trouble” in American. _Rule II._ The two most important words in American are “proposition” and “stunt.” Everything is either a proposition or a stunt. There are no other rules. _Exercise_ Translate the following story into American:-- THE MOUSE AND THE LION Once upon a time a Mouse went and trod on a Lion who was asleep. The Lion, who had been late in going to bed the night before (translate “had a hang-over”), woke up, and after saying, “Bother you,” seized the Mouse, and prepared to eat it. But the Mouse, who was as brave as a mouse, said, “Let me go, you son of a Lioness; perhaps some day I may do you a good turn.” The Lion, having laughed the Mouse to scorn, let it go, saying: “A Mouse do a Lion a good turn. How witty!” Some time afterwards, some hunters caught the Lion, and put it into a large net. The Mouse, which happened to be there, hearing the Lion groan, came and nibbled away the net (translate “got busy”), until the Lion was free. “Don’t you remember,” said the Mouse, “my telling you that I might some day do you a good turn? You see how right you were not to eat me then.”