World War, 1914-1918 -- Personal narratives, English
"It's no use, Reg, they've got my number," and he moaned half
hysterically as he leaned on me with an arm around my neck. Almost
desperate, I shouted in his ear, "Billy, old pal, think of your mother
and father; what would the old man say if he saw you acting like this?
You know those hounds haven't a shell for either of us."
He roused himself: "I guess I haven't got the guts, Sergeant; I must be
a damned coward."
"No, no, nothing of the kind, old fellow," I shouted, "but these boys
are in my charge and I want you to help me play the game." He braced
himself. "You're right, Sergeant, they haven't got our number and never
will have." "Of course they won't," I answered reassuringly.
Poor Billy! His was a nature that was never intended for the business of
killing; he was in constant dread and his nerves were always on edge
when he was within shelling distance of the enemy, and he couldn't seem
to shake off the terrible fear that was ever present except when in the
top-notch excitement of going over; that was the only moment that he was
able to throw off the blighting shadow that haunted him. Then indeed
have I seen him throw the very first instincts of prudence to the winds
and hurl himself into places where "angels fear to tread." But after the
mad frenzy of the charge, with its accompaniment of shooting, stabbing,
killing and maiming, he would collapse, and it would be some hours
before he could regain his wonted composure.
The fire gradually slackened, our spirits began to revive, nature
commenced to reassert herself, and we made our way to the cookhouse. We
got our mess-tins filled with bread, cheese and jam, puddled our way to
the dugout and fell to with the relish of healthy, hungry, tired men who
had fasted several hours. We gathered in the dugout occupied by Billy
and myself. Feeling thoroughly rejuvenated, someone suggested a game to
pass the time until mail arrived, and the well-worn deck was produced.
Billy was sitting on my right hand and held cards that ought to have
cleaned up, but he seemed to have lost the first instinct of a poker
player, and I couldn't refrain from telling him he ought to confine
himself to checkers. He whispered to me, "Reg, I can't get that out of
my head." "What's that?" I asked.
"Fritz has my number; my time's nearly up and I know it." "Oh, hell!" I
exclaimed, with a good-natured impatience, and giving him a poke in the
ribs, "Forget it!"
The rest of the fellows chimed in with recollections of several fellows
who persisted in saying that their number was up, and who were now
pushing poppies, and the little Cockney murmured, "The poor beggars, and
if they had kept their mouths shut they'd 'ave been with us yet."
It is a strange philosophy, but it is prevalent up and down the line.
At that moment the mail arrived, and Billy forgot his premonition for
the time, for along with letters from his mother and sister, there was a
photograph from his sweetheart that he showed me with suppressed joy.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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