It was not quite disillusionment that Pierson felt while he walked away.
Perhaps he had not really believed in Leila's regeneration. It was
more an acute discomfort, an increasing loneliness. A soft and restful
spot was now denied him; a certain warmth and allurement had gone out
of his life. He had not even the feeling that it was his duty to try
and save Leila by persuading her to marry Fort. He had always been too
sensitive, too much as it were of a gentleman, for the robuster sorts of
evangelism. Such delicacy had been a stumbling-block to him all through
professional life. In the eight years when his wife was with him, all
had been more certain, more direct and simple, with the help of her
sympathy, judgment; and companionship. At her death a sort of mist
had gathered in his soul. No one had ever spoken plainly to him. To a
clergyman, who does? No one had told him in so many words that he should
have married again—that to stay unmarried was bad for him, physically
and spiritually, fogging and perverting life; not driving him, indeed,
as it drove many, to intolerance and cruelty, but to that half-living
dreaminess, and the vague unhappy yearnings which so constantly beset
him. All these celibate years he had really only been happy in his
music, or in far-away country places, taking strong exercise, and losing
himself in the beauties of Nature; and since the war began he had only
once, for those three days at Kestrel, been out of London.
He walked home, going over in his mind very anxiously all the evidence
he had of Fort's feeling for Noel. How many times had he been to them
since she came back? Only three times—three evening visits! And he had
not been alone with her a single minute! Before this calamity befell his
daughter, he would never have observed anything in Fort's demeanour;
but, in his new watchfulness, he had seen the almost reverential way he
looked at her, noticed the extra softness of his voice when he spoke
to her, and once a look of sudden pain, a sort of dulling of his whole
self, when Noel had got up and gone out of the room. And the girl
herself? Twice he had surprised her gazing at Fort when he was not
looking, with a sort of brooding interest. He remembered how, as a
little girl, she would watch a grown-up, and then suddenly one day
attach herself to him, and be quite devoted. Yes, he must warn her,
before she could possibly become entangled. In his fastidious chastity,
the opinion he had held of Fort was suddenly lowered. He, already a
free-thinker, was now revealed as a free-liver. Poor little Nollie!
Endangered again already! Every man a kind of wolf waiting to pounce on
her!
He found Lavendie and Noel in the drawing-room, standing before the
portrait which was nearing completion. He looked at it for a long
minute, and turned away:
“Don't you think it's like me, Daddy?”
“It's like you; but it hurts me. I can't tell why.”
He saw the smile of a painter whose picture is being criticised come on
Lavendie's face.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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