Sam in the SuburbsWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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Sam in the Suburbs
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
England -- Fiction; Gangsters -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Publishers and publishing -- Fiction
Kay seemed a little shaken. She was breathing quickly.
“It was Claude Bates,” she said, and her voice quivered. So did Sam’s.
“Claude Bates!” he cried distractedly. “If I had known that, I would
have chased him all the way back to London, kicking him violently.”
“I wish you had.”
“How on earth did that fellow come to be here?”
“I met him outside Victoria Station. I suppose he got into the train and
followed me.”
“The hound!”
“I suddenly found him out here in the garden.”
“The blister!”
“Do you think somebody will kill him some day?” asked Kay wistfully.
“I shall have a very poor opinion of the public spirit of the modern
Englishman,” Sam assured her, “if that loathsome leprous growth is
permitted to infest London for long. But in the meantime,” he said,
lowering his voice tenderly, “doesn’t it occur to you that this thing
has been sent for a purpose? Surely it is intended as a proof of the
truth of what I was saying at lunch, that you need----”
“Yes,” said Kay; “but we’ll talk about that some other time, if you
don’t mind. I suppose you know you’ve soaked me to the skin.”
“You?” said Sam incredulously.
“Yes, me.”
“You don’t mean Bates?”
“No, I do not mean Bates. Feel my arm if you don’t believe me.”
Sam extended a reverent hand.
“What an extraordinarily beautiful arm you have,” he said.
“An extraordinarily wet arm.”
“Yes, you are wet,” Sam acknowledged. “Well, all I can say is that I am
extremely sorry. I acted for the best; impulsively, let us
say--mistakenly, it may be--but still with the best intentions.”
“I should hate to be anywhere near when you are doing your worst. Well,
things like this, I suppose, must be----”
“----after a famous victory. Exactly!”
“I must run in and change.”
“Wait!” said Sam. “We must get this thing straight. You will admit now,
I imagine, that you need a strong man’s protection?”
“I don’t admit anything of the kind.”
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“But surely, with Claude Bateses surging around you on every side,
dogging your footsteps, forcing their way into your very garden, you
must acknowledge----”
“I shall catch cold.”
“Of course! What am I thinking of? You must run in at once.”
“Yes.”
“But wait!” said Sam. “I want to get to the bottom of this. What makes
you think that you and I were not designed for each other from the
beginning of time? I’ve been thinking very deeply about the whole thing,
and it beats me why you can’t see it. To start with, we are so much
alike, we have the same tastes----”
“Have we?”
“Most certainly. To take a single instance, we both dislike Claude
Bates. Then there is your love, which I share, for a life in the
country. The birds, the breezes, the trees, the bees--you love them and
so do I. It is my one ambition to amass enough money to enable me to buy
a farm and settle down. You would like that.”
“You seem to know a lot about me.”
“I have my information from your uncle.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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