Sam in the SuburbsWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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Sam in the Suburbs
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
England -- Fiction; Gangsters -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Publishers and publishing -- Fiction
“I knew a man in America who met a girl at a party one night and married
her next morning.”
“And they were divorced the week after, I should think. No, Mr.
Shotter----”
“You may call me Sam.”
“I suppose I ought to after this. No, Sam, I will not marry you. Thanks
ever so much for asking me, of course.”
“Not at all.”
“I don’t know you well enough.”
“I feel as if I had known you all my life.”
“Do you?”
“I feel as if we had been destined for each other from the beginning of
time.”
“Perhaps you were a king in Babylon and I was a Christian slave.”
“I shouldn’t wonder. And what is more, I’ll tell you something. When I
was in America, before I had ever dreamed of coming over to England, a
palmist told me that I was shortly about to take a long journey, at the
end of which I should meet a fair girl.”
“You can’t believe what those palmists say.”
“Ah, but everything else that this one told me was absolutely true.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. She said I had a rare, spiritual nature and a sterling character
and was beloved by all; but that people meeting me for the first time
sometimes failed to appreciate me----”
“I certainly did.”
“----because I had such hidden depths.”
“Oh, was that the reason?”
“Well, that shows you.”
“Did she tell you anything else?”
“Something about bewaring of a dark man, but nothing of importance.
Still, I don’t call it a bad fifty cents’ worth.”
“Did she say that you were going to marry this girl?”
“She did--explicitly.”
“Then the idea, as I understand it, is that you want me to marry you so
that you won’t feel you wasted your fifty cents. Is that it?”
“Not precisely. You are overlooking the fact that I love you.” He looked
at her reproachfully. “Don’t laugh.”
“Was I laughing?”
“You were.”
“I’m sorry. I oughtn’t to mock a strong man’s love, ought I?”
“You oughtn’t to mock anybody’s love. Love’s a very wonderful thing. It
even made Hash look almost beautiful for a moment, and that’s going
some.”
“When is it going to make you look beautiful?”
“Hasn’t it?”
“Not yet.”
“You must be patient.”
“I’ll try to be, and in the meantime let us face this situation. Do you
know what a girl in a Cordelia Blair story would do if she were in my
place?”
“Something darned silly, I expect.”
“Not at all. She would do something very pretty and touching. She would
look at the man and smile tremulously and say, ‘I’m sorry, so--so sorry.
You have paid me the greatest compliment a man can pay a woman. But it
cannot be. So shall we be pals--just real pals?’”
“And he would redden and go to Africa, I suppose.
“No. I should think he would just hang about and hope that some day she
might change her mind. Girls often do, you know.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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