Sandra Belloni (originally Emilia in England) — CompleteMeredith, George
General
Sandra Belloni (originally Emilia in England) — Complete
Meredith, George
English fiction -- 19th century
Wilfrid stood like a machine with a thousand wheels in revolt.
Sensations pricked at ideas, and immediately left them to account for
their existence as they best could. The ideas committed suicide without
a second's consideration. He felt the great gurgling sea in which they
were drowned heave and throb. Then came a fresh set, that poised better
on the slack-rope of his understanding. By degrees, a buried dread in
his brain threw off its shroud. The thought that there was something
wrong with his father stood clearly over him, to be swallowed at once in
the less tangible belief that a harm had come to Emilia--not was coming,
but had come. Passion thinks wilfully when it thinks at all. That night
he lay in a deep anguish, revolving the means by which he might help and
protect her. There seemed no way open, save by making her his own; and
did he belong to himself? What bound him to Lady Charlotte? She was not
lovely or loving. He had not even kissed her hand; yet she held him in a
chain.
The two men composing most of us at the outset of actual life began
their deadly wrestle within him, both having become awakened. If they
wait for circumstance, that steady fire will fuse them into one, who is
commonly a person of some strength; but throttling is the custom between
them, and we are used to see men of murdered halves. These men have
what they fought for: they are unaware of any guilt that may be charged
against them, though they know that they do not embrace Life; and so it
is that we have vague discontent too universal. Change, O Lawgiver!
the length of our minority, and let it not end till this battle is
thoroughly fought out in approving daylight. The period of our duality
should be one as irresponsible in your eyes as that of our infancy.
Is he we call a young man an individual--who is a pair of alternately
kicking scales? Is he educated, when he dreams not that he is divided?
He has drunk Latin like a vital air, and can quote what he remembers
of Homer; but how has he been fortified for this tremendous conflict of
opening manhood, which is to our life here what is the landing of a soul
to the life to come?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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