Secret BreadJesse, F. Tennyson (Fryniwyd Tennyson)
General
Secret Bread
Jesse, F. Tennyson (Fryniwyd Tennyson)
Cornwall (England : County) -- Fiction
knew how the single-heartedness of that had absolved her in their eyes;
but for what it had plunged her in they would have had less
comprehension. For it was not in a nature so essentially womanly as
Judith's to be content with sex-starvation once passion had been aroused
in her, and the irony of it all was that she, who had not for several
years awoken to stirred senses with the man she loved, was unable to
stifle their urgency after she had left him.
From slight dalliance with first one man and then another, she had
progressed to the greater intimacies, ashamed but unfighting. Till at
last the pricking thing had begun to grow fainter and her will stronger
and she was able to break away. She hid the truth and kept up the old
tradition of having loved only once, partly because it was true she had
not felt actual love again, but partly for vanity's sake....
It was not that she was vain of the romantic figure she seemed to her
friends; it was a more deadly thing than that. She was vain of the
quality of her past love. Too much had been made of it, and she would
have been more than human had she succeeded altogether in escaping the
temptation to visualise herself as the tragic survivor of a great
passion. And to this had she come, although her love had been so
real....
Ishmael never again during that visit felt quite the easy intimacy with
Judy that he had touched that day by the stream, though as the next few
years went on and her visits became a regular thing to look forward to
there was built up between them a fabric of friendship that grew to be
something unique to both. Those things which had happened to Judy had
taught her every tolerance and sympathy.
They were not on the whole bad, those years that followed. Nicky, after
writing more or less regularly, suddenly announced his intention of
coming home again, and Ishmael was filled with a joy that no personal
thing had had power to wake in him since the boy had gone. The thought
of Nicky had seldom been far from him; always it was with the idea of
Nicky in the forefront of his mind that he worked for Cloom. When he had
first taken on the idea of Cloom as the central scheme of his life it
had been for Cloom itself, or rather for the building up of an ideal
Cloom which his father's conduct had shattered. Now he realised that if
he had had no son to inherit after him his work would not have held the
same deep significance for him, even though it was not with any
conscious idea of a son that he had started on his task. Now, since
Nicky's departure, he had begun to see how incomplete the whole scheme
would have been without him, how incomplete it would still be if Nicky
wanted to wander all his days, or if modernity and the new country over
the sea should have come to mean more to him than the old. He knew by
Nicky's letter that this was not so, and his heart sang within him. For
days after the letter came a glamour that to his eyes the world had lost
illuminated it once again.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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