Frederick Augustus brought numerous presents for me. "You may place them under the Christmas tree," I ordered the Tisch. "Oh, Your Imperial Highness, look," cried the Tisch, holding up something or other. I turned my back on her and looked out of the window. I never went near my end of the Christmas table. "You will send the things brought by His Royal Highness to the bazaar for crippled children," I told the House Marshal. "They shall be sold for the benefit of the poor." * * * * * LOSCHWITZ, _January 1, 1902_. "Her Imperial Highness regrets." I refused the invitations to today's family dinner; the grand reception, _Te Deum_ and parade. "Unprecedented affront!" What do I care! I have eighteen horses, half-a-dozen carriages, I drive, I ride, I hunt, I give the Tisch palpitation daily by the literature I affect: _Zola_, _Flaubert_, _M'lle Paul_, _Ma Femme_, _M'lle de Maupin_, _Casanova_, _M'me Bovary_. And the periodicals I subscribed for! _Simplicissimus_, Harden's _Zukunft_, all the _double entendre_ weeklies and monthlies of Paris. May Prince George and Mathilde burst with rage and envy when they hear of my excursions in the realms of the literary Satans. * * * * * LOSCHWITZ, _January 15, 1902_. The Tisch is beginning to treat me like a person irresponsible for her doings. Sonnenstein is looming up anew. But I am going to fool her. As I will hold no more speech with her, there will be no occasion for turning my own words against me. If I have to give a command, or answer a question, I ask Lucretia or _Fraeulein_ von Schoenberg to convey my orders. * * * * * LOSCHWITZ, _March 20, 1902_. An uneventful winter is drawing to a close. By banishing myself to this quiet place I raised a barrier against quarrels, against harsh orders, against humiliations. And the barrier also shuts out: love, happiness. Sometimes, when the Tisch's hateful mouth spouts honeyed platitudes, I ask myself whether the affair with Henry wasn't, after all, a flower-covered pit dug for me by my enemies. It was the Tisch who had Henry appointed _Vortaenzer_. Maybe, knowing my inflammable heart, she offered the tempting bait solely to the end of getting me into her power? Far from impossible. I curse the day when I entered Dresden, joined this court and family. * * * * * LOSCHWITZ, _May 15, 1902_. Royal command to join the court at Pillnitz June 1. The King, who has been ailing for some time, is anxious to be reunited with the children, and, as a necessary evil, I must go along. I replied that I would prefer Nossen, or even Stolpen, if it pleases His Majesty.