And then he lay at my feet, covering them with kisses. And instantly all his force, his courage, his eloquence returned. He went away like a man a-dreaming. I long for him; I confess I long for him. Whether I love him or not I don't know. But that I know, I _will_ love him. And if I cannot, what matters it? I don't have to love to be happy. To _be_ loved is enough. I want to be his Queen, his life. * * * * * DRESDEN, _July 1, 1899_. Privy Councillor von Barthels told the King that my delicate condition needs constant watching. I go to his clinic every second day, while he visits me once or twice daily at the palace. * * * * * Like Melita I am never a bit repentant of my peccadilloes. If I don't want to do a thing, neither Kaiser, King, George, Frederick Augustus, my parents, the Pope, nor the whole world, can make me. But if I resolve to follow my sweet inclinations, rueing and pining are out of question. Ferdinand is the most devoted of lovers. He has unlimited tendernesses--a new experience for me. The lover of my girlhood days overwhelmed me by audacity. The Shah used me like a show-girl. Romano was imperious, super-mannish. For him I was only the female of the species. Sometimes, in the midst of an embrace, Ferdinand suddenly seems to recollect that a Queen trembles in his arms; the master turns _ame damnee_. I am Sultana, Louise-Catherine. Like Catherine the Great, I would throw millions to my favorites and millions more when I dismissed one. At any rate, I would give each a hundred thousand marks "to furnish himself with linen and silks,"--a _mot_ invented by the Semiramis of the North. * * * * * DRESDEN, _July 5, 1899_. No more clinic for me. Ferdinand begged so hard, that I allowed him to introduce his wife. She came in after we finished our "consultation," a little heap of misfortune, execrably dressed, frightened, almost dead with submissiveness. And I am robbing this poor creature; it's like stealing pennies from a child. And under her own roof. It must not be. I am going to the country. CHAPTER XLI AN ATROCIOUS ROYAL SCANDAL A royal couple that shall be nameless--The voluptuous Duchess--Her husband the worst of degenerates--"What monsters these royalties be"--Nameless outrages--A Duchess forced to have lovers--Ferdinand and I live like married folk--Duchess feared for her life--Her husband murdered her--I scold and humiliate my overbearing Grand Mistress--The medical report too horrible to contemplate. ----R, _July 15, 1899_. I am afraid to date this entry. Another terrible indictment of royalty. And, as usual, things criminal are at the bottom of the abuse of sovereign power.