In the abstract, the memory of the three years she had spent with Morris
Kenyon formed no burden upon her conscience. Versed in the secrets of
her own heart--strong in the certain knowledge of the generous, even if
misguided, motives that had prevailed with her--she had been absolved at
the bar of her most earnest and sincere judgment from all stain of
deliberate doing of evil. How was it possible that she should find cause
to reproach or condemn herself, remembering that supreme hour of test,
when she had held so loyally fast to her innate convictions of what was
right and what was not; when she had refused to barter a mockery of love
for the reality of continued wealth and protection? She thought, too, of
her life since then, chaste amid greater temptations than a man would
ever realise. Deep in her heart was the feeling that she had been tried
and not found wanting. Surely, then, she was every whit as fitted as any
ordinarily spotless woman to marry a good man?
Still, so long as the likelihood of such a desire on her part had seemed
far remote, she had been firmly convinced that she would never allow
herself to become a wife with her secret unconfessed. But now she was
faced by a problem--a torturing doubt--that was quite unforeseen. Would
it not be morally a greater wickedness, an additional wrong, should she
remorselessly shatter such perfect trust; smear and deface the happiness
of this man who loved her so ardently, revered and honoured her with
such glad confidence?
Was it indeed Honour's command that she should dig up this loathsome,
long-buried corpse, to thrust it under those very nostrils wherein it
would most stink? Was such a cruel and unscrupulous bowing down to the
conventional idea of right and wrong unquestionably Love's duty? She had
never been much guided by mere convention. Was she to begin now when so
much was at stake? Surely not.
She started suddenly from her chair in bewilderment and distress, and
commenced to pace the room. What ought she to do? Earnestly she tried to
put all care for herself and for her own desires out of her mind--to
think only of Geoff. Setting great importance upon the emotional side of
life, she scarcely heeded any difference of position that might exist
between herself and him. Unconscious of his future prospects, believing
his marriage to be a matter concerning himself alone, her one doubt and
difficulty lay in how best to cope with her hidden past.
Reason and common sense bade her guard her secret in silence, now
and forever. But her feelings told her plainly enough that never
could she hope to know perfect peace until she had confessed this
thing--confessed, implored and obtained forgiveness. But would that not
be an end of all peace of mind for Geoffrey--ah, poor Geoff! She had
learnt his nature so well. His was a love that gloried in placing the
beloved upon a lofty height, there to be crowned with stars and
worshipped. Could she thrust him out of his paradise?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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