What men of honor need to aid their weal They purchase, or, occasion serving, steal. Go celebrate the day with turkeys, pies, Sermons and psalms, and, for the children, lies. Let Santa Claus descend again the flue; If Baby doubt it, swear that it is true. "A lie well stuck to is as good as truth," And God's too old to legislate for youth. Hail Christmas! On my knees and fowl I fall: For greater grace and better gravy call. _Vive l'Humbug!_--that's to say, God bless us all! COOPERATION. No more the swindler singly seeks his prey; To hunt in couples is the modern way-- A rascal, from the public to purloin, An honest man to hide away the coin. AN APOLOGUE. A traveler observed one day A loaded fruit-tree by the way. And reining in his horse exclaimed: "The man is greatly to be blamed Who, careless of good morals, leaves Temptation in the way of thieves. Now lest some villain pass this way And by this fruit be led astray To bag it, I will kindly pack It snugly in my saddle-sack." He did so; then that Salt o' the Earth Rode on, rejoicing in his worth. DIAGNOSIS. Cried Allen Forman: "Doctor, pray Compose my spirits' strife: O what may be my chances, say, Of living all my life? "For lately I have dreamed of high And hempen dissolution! O doctor, doctor, how can I Amend my constitution?" The learned leech replied: "You're young And beautiful and strong-- Permit me to inspect your tongue: H'm, ah, ahem!--'tis long." FALLEN. O, hadst thou died when thou wert great, When at thy feet a nation knelt To sob the gratitude it felt And thank the Saviour of the State, Gods might have envied thee thy fate! Then was the laurel round thy brow, And friend and foe spoke praise of thee, While all our hearts sang victory. Alas! thou art too base to bow To hide the shame that brands it now. DIES IRAE.