He sat in a sort of trance, glimpses of many thoughts running through
his brain. He deserved punishment. That was all very well, but something
was wrong here. The premonition became a reality in his consciousness
that he had entered upon a great desert; that he was to endure again one
of his terrible thirsts; not a throat-thirst alone, but a soul-thirst.
In the atmosphere of the woman, in the very odor of the room, he felt
the old impassioned lyric-maker crush back into the dominance of his
mind with all the impish exultation of that lower self. Pride asserted
itself now. What an idiot passage in the career of a rising writer! He
should always remember with shame this coming to New York--a youthful
Marius in whose veins was injected mid-summer madness--coming to this
city (where dollar-work is king and plumaged-woman queen) with an
abortive conception from garret dreams.... A strong white light fell
upon the leather cover of her reading-table, but their faces were in
shadow, like the hundred actor faces in photograph upon the wall and
mantel. Selma Cross was studying him keenly. The emptiness of it all was
so pervading--as his blood began to move again--that he laughed aloud.
"Do you know," Selma Cross said softly, "I thought at first you had been
drinking too much. I hardly knew you otherwise, remember. Shall I tell
you what added thought came to me, as you crossed the floor so
unsteadily--looking so white?"
"Locomotor ataxia, I suppose. I hear it is getting quite the thing for
middle-generation New Yorkers.... I expected to see you a little later
in your new play, but not here--to-night----"
"That is what I thought--that incurable thing. You seem floored. I
didn't know a woman could do that. In the old days, you were
adaptable--if nothing else."
His collar felt tight, and he stretched it out, needing more air in his
lungs and more blood in his brain. It was clear enough to him now how
Skylark had been stricken. The real devastation was that she belonged to
this sort of thing at all; that she could consent to this trick, this
trap. It was all so different from the consummate fineness, the
pervading delicacy, of all Skylark thoughts. Having consented to the
trick, _might she not be listening_?... He did not mind her hearing;
indeed, he might say things which were needful for her to know--but that
she should listen! He writhed. This was not his Skylark at all.... It
was hardly Charter's way now to plunge into the centre of things. There
was a feline elegance in the manner and movement of Selma Cross; she
seemed so delightfully at ease, that he was willing to make it a bit
harder for her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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