Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 1 (of 2)Bird, Robert Montgomery
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Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 1 (of 2)
Bird, Robert Montgomery
American fiction -- 19th century; Satire
When I recovered my wits, I thought I had got into the place which is
never mentioned among polite people, except at church. I perceived a
horrible smell of gin, whiskey, hartshorn, tobacco-smoke, and spirits
of firstrate camphire, as if these made up the constituents of the
atmosphere of darkness; and I saw, though very obscurely, for the light
was dim, and there seemed to be films over my eyes, a number of figures
that moved to and fro, uttering discordant noises. One of them, it
seems, and I took it for granted he was the chief devil, stood by me,
pressing my ribs with a fist that felt marvellously heavy, while with
the other he maintained a grasp upon my nose, to which ever and anon he
gave a considerable tweak; while another, little less dreadful, stood
at his side, armed with some singular weapon, shaped much like a common
fire-bellows, the nozle of which he held at but a little distance from
my own. There were four others of them, each of whom had me by a leg or
arm, pulling and slapping with much zeal, and, as I supposed, preparing
me for a gridiron; while divers others flitted about, as I mentioned
before, talking with voices that appeared to me louder than thunder.
Such were the observations which I made, vaguely and confusedly (for
there was a great stupor over most of my senses), and which led me
to suspect I was in the place of torment; in which suspicion I was
confirmed by a thousand pangs I felt all over my body, so strange,
racking, and horrible, that unless one were to have the toothache,
gout, earache, gravel, rheumatism, headache, a stumped toe, and locked
jaw all together, it would be impossible to form any just conception of
the nature and variety of my torments. I had, I verily believed, the
paddle-wheel of a steamboat in my head, which was revolving full thirty
times a minute, with a hideous crashing and clamour, and churning
my brains to atoms; and, by the same rule, I conceived there was an
iron-foundry in my lungs and heart, every cell and cavity of which was
full of hot castings.
But it would require a greater space than the subject is worthy of, to
describe the agonies I endured in those moments of torture; and they
were, perhaps, the more poignant, since I could neither move a muscle,
nor vent my distresses in a single cry,--which I was the more inclined
to do from conceiving myself in the kingdom of darkness.
When I opened my eyes, I heard him who had me by the nose yell out
something to the others; upon which there was a great stir and outcry
among them, and I distinctly heard one say, after a great oath, "We'll
do well enough without a doctor."
"What!" said I to myself, "have they doctors here too? Do they follow
their patients?"
"But," continued the same voice, "we'll never finish the job till we
roll him over a barrel. He'll never show game till the water's out of
him."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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