Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 2 (of 2)Bird, Robert Montgomery
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Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. 2 (of 2)
Bird, Robert Montgomery
American fiction -- 19th century; Satire
This conversion of mine to their own opinion--or, if the reader
will so have it, my return to rationality--had a favourable effect
on my doctors. They removed (very circumspectly indeed) the strait
jacket from my arms; and then, seeing I made no attempt to tear them
to pieces, but was, on the contrary, very quiet and submissive, and
that, instead of claiming to be Charlemagne the Second of France, I
was content to be Mr. Arthur Megrim, of Virginia, they were so well
satisfied of the cure they had effected, that they agreed to free me of
their company, and so left me in the sole charge of Tibbikens and my
affectionate sister.
In this manner I was cured of hypochondriasis; for although I felt,
ever and anon, a strong propensity to confess myself a joint-stool,
a Greek demigod, or some such other fanciful creature, I retained so
lively a recollection of the penalties I had already paid for indulging
in such vagaries, that I put a curb on my imagination, and resolved
for the future to be nothing but plain Mr. Megrim, a gentleman with a
disordered digestive apparatus.
I was cured of my hypochondriasis--I may say, also, of my
dyspepsy--being kept by Tibbikens and my sister in such a starved
condition, that it was impossible I should ever more complain of
indigestion. But I was not yet cured of my melancholy; nothing but
canvass-backs and terapins could cure that--and these, alas! were never
more to bless my lips. Tibbikens had pronounced their fate, and with
them, mine: thenceforth and for ever my diet was to be looked for in
those--next to my digestive apparatus--chief favourites of my sister,
bran bread and hickory ashes; my stomach, he solemnly assured me, would
never be able to sustain any thing else.
I say, therefore, I was melancholy; and great reason had I to be so,
condemned to live a life of ascetic denial, with the means in my hand
to purchase all the luxuries in the world, and, which was worse, an
eternal desire to enjoy them.
To banish this melancholy--alas! never to be banished--and perhaps to
give me a little appetite for my bran bread and ashes, for which I
never could contract a relish, the friendly Tibbikens again seduced me
into the open air and my carriage, and carried me about to different
places in which he thought I might find amusement. In this way he had
conducted my prototype, the true Arthur Megrim, before me, whenever
indolence and the luxuries of the table brought him too near to
dyspepsy; and it was this uncommon kindness of the physician, in
dragging the unfortunate gentleman to witness the galvanic experiments
on the bodies of the executed felons, which had helped him so suddenly
out of his own. Dr. Tibbikens was not, indeed, very choice whither he
carried me, lugging me along with equal alacrity to a horse-race, a
barbacue, or to the bedsides of his patients.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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