Bildungsromans; England -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Illegitimate children -- Fiction
Michael spent a dull morning in wandering about Bournemouth,
while Kathleen and her Trimble probably rode along the same
road he and she had gone a few days back. He tried to console
himself with thoughts of self-sacrifice, and he took a morbid
delight in the imagination of the pleasure he had made possible
for others. But undeniably his own morning was dreary, and not
even could Swinburne’s canorous Triumph of Time do much more
than
echo somewhat sadly through the resonant emptiness of his
self-constructed prison, whose windows opened on to a
sentimental if circumscribed view of unattainable sweetness.
Michael sat on a bench in a sophisticated pine-grove and,
having lighted a cigarette, put out the match with his sighing
exhalation of _‘O love, my love, and no love for me.’_ It was
wonderful to Michael how perfectly Swinburne expressed his
despair. _‘O love, my love, had you loved but me.’_ And why had
she not loved him? Why did she prefer Trimble? Did Trimble ever
read Swinburne? Could Trimble sit like this smoking calmly a
cigarette and breathing out deathless lines of love’s despair?
Michael began to feel a little sorry for Kathleen, almost as
sorry for her as he felt for himself. Soon the Easter holidays
would be over, and he would go back to school. He began to
wonder whether he would wear the marks of suffering on his
countenance, and whether his friends would eye him curiously,
asking themselves in whispers what man this was that came among
them with so sad and noble an expression of resignation. As
Michael thought of Trimble and Kathleen meeting in
Burton-on-Trent and daily growing nearer to each other in love,
he became certain that his grief would indeed be manifest. He
pictured himself sitting in the sunlit serene class-room of the
History Sixth, a listless figure of despair, an object of
wondering, whispering compassion. And so his life would lose
itself in a monotone of discontent. Grey distances of time
presented themselves to him with a terrible menace of
loneliness; the future was worse than ever, a barren waste
whose horizon would never darken to the silhouette of Kathleen
coming towards him with open arms. Never would he hold her hand
again; never would he touch those lips at all; never would he
even know what dresses she wore in summer. _‘O love, my love,
and no love for me.’_
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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