woman! When Sir Tom returned to this painful and difficult subject, the
immediate question as to Lucy's strange conduct died from his mind. It
became more easy, by dint of repeating it, to believe that a mere
unreasonable panic about little Tom was the cause of her withdrawal. It
was foolish, but a loving and lovely foolishness which a man might do
more than forgive, which he might adore and smile at, as men love to do,
feeling that for a woman to be thus silly is desirable, a counterpoise
to the selfishness and want of feeling which are so common in the world.
But how to make this spotless creature understand that a man might slip
aside and yet not be a dissolute man, that he might be betrayed into
certain proceedings which would not perhaps bear the inspection of
severe judges, and yet be neither vicious nor heartless. This problem,
after he had considered it in every possible way, Sir Tom finally gave
up with a sort of despair. He must keep his secret within his own bosom.
He must contrive some means of doing what, in case his hypothesis was
right, would now be clearly a duty, without exciting any suspicion on
Lucy's part. That, he thought with a compunction, would be easy enough.
There was no one whom it would cost less trouble to deceive. With these
thoughts he went to sleep in the room which seemed strangely lonely
without her presence. Perhaps, however, it was not ungrateful to him to
be alone to think all those thoughts without the additional sense of
treachery which must have ensued had he thought them in her presence.
There was no treachery. He had been all along, he thought to himself, a
man somewhat sinned against in the matter. To be sure it was
wrong--according to all rules of morals, it was necessary to admit this;
but not more wrong, not so much wrong, as most other men had been. And,
granting the impropriety of that first step, he had nothing to reproach
himself with afterwards. In that respect he knew he had behaved both
liberally and honourably, though he had been deceived. But
how--how--good heavens!--explain this to Lucy? In the silence of her
room, where she was not, he actually laughed out to himself at the
thought; laughed with a sense of all impossibility beyond all laws or
power of reasoning. What miracle would make her understand? It would be
easier to move the solid earth than to make her understand.
But it was altogether a very strange night--such a night as never had
been passed in that house before; and fearful things were about in the
darkness, ill dreams, strange shadows of trouble. When Sir Tom woke in
the morning and found no sign that his wife had been in the room or any
trace of her, there arose once more a painful apprehension in his mind.
He hurried half-dressed to the nursery to ask for news of the child, but
was met by the nurse with the most cheerful countenance, with little Tom
holding by her skirts, in high spirits, and fun of babble and glee.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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