Each new day was an exquisite wax-statue which by night had melted to
formlessness in his hands. He made repeated resolutions to organize
his energies. He lived im-paradised in a lethargy of fond emotions.
His career was at a halt; his opportunities were slipping from him. To
encourage his industry he drew up a chart of the hours in the current
month that he would work. He pinned it to the wall above his desk that
it might reproach him if he fell below his average. The average was
never reached. The chart was tom up. His most stalwart plans were driven
as mist before the breath of her lightest fancy. Not that she encroached
on him by deed or word; but her memory was a delirium which kept him
always craving for her presence.
“If you were to drop me to-morrow,” she told him, “you’d never hear from
me. I’m like that. I shouldn’t run after you.”
She left him to place his own construction on the statement--to discover
its origin in nobility or carelessness. Whichever it was, it made him
the needle while she remained the magnet. When he wasn’t with her, he
was waiting for her; so the hours after midnight, when he had seen her
home, were the only ones free from feverishness. His work suffered;
he stole from the hours when he ought to have been in bed. He began to
suspect that he was losing his confidence of touch. The suspicion was
sharply confirmed when one of his commissioned articles came back
with the cryptic intimation that it wasn’t exactly what the editor had
expected. That meant the loss of five hundred dollars; what was worse,
it filled him with artistic panic.
In the old days--the days of _Life Till Twenty-one_--fame had been the
goal of his ambitions. He had set before his eyes, as though it were
a crucifix, the austere aloofness of his father’s pure motives. He
couldn’t afford to do that any longer. He was spending lavishly; the
example of the extravagance of Fluffy’s lovers spurred his expenditures.
He didn’t care how he won Desire’s admiration; win it he must.
Unconsciously he was trying to win it with a display of generosity.
Dimly he foresaw that he was doing her an injustice; he would have to
cut down and recuperate the moment they were married. In preparation he
painted to her the joys of simplicity and of life in the country. Her
curl became agitated with merriment.
“That isn’t the way I’ve been brought up. Cottages don’t have bathrooms,
and the country’s muddy except in summer. It wouldn’t suit me. And I do
like to wear silk.” Then, with a shudder: “Poverty’s so ugly. There’s
only one thing worse, and that’s growing old. Please, Meester Deek,
let’s talk of something else.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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