He had left so many things unsaid; in all those months he had told her
nothing. He argued his way over the old ground, blaming himself and
making excuses for her. If only he had acted thus and so, then she would
have responded accordingly. He was almost persuaded that he had been
unkind to her. And there was so much--so much more than he had imagined,
from which he ought to save her. If she played with other men as she had
played with him, she would be in constant danger. She seemed to regard
men as puppies who could be sent to heel by a frown. Mr. Dak had taught
her nothing. She skirted the edge of precipices when strong winds were
blowing. She would do it once too often; the day was always coming. It
might come to-morrow.
He missed her horribly--all her tricks of affection and petulance. He
had so much to remember: her casual way of singing in the midst of his
talking; the way she covered her mouth with her hand, laughing over it,
that she might provoke him into coaxing apart her fingers that he might
reach her lips through them; the waving down the stairs at the hour of
parting--every memory flared into importance now that she had vanished.
Most of all, he missed the name she had called him. Meester Deek I What
a fool he had been to be so impatient because she would not employ the
name by which any one could call him!
No, he hadn’t realized her value. Their separation was his doing. He
might have been with her now, if only----
And back there at the end of the lengthening wake, did Broadway still
flash and glitter, a Vanity Fair over which sky-signs wove ghostly and
monstrous sorceries?
At night he paced the deck, staring into the unrelieved blackness. With
whom was she now? Was she thinking of him? Was she thinking of him with
kindness, or had the “horrid me” again taken possession? Perhaps she was
with Fluffy. “Oh, these men!” Fluffy would say contemptuously. She
was with some one--he knew that; it was impossible to think of her as
sitting alone. She wouldn’t allow herself to be sad; she was somewhere
where there was feverish gayety, lights and the seduction of music. But
with whom?
He saw again her little white bedroom which had been such a secret. On
the dressing-table, where it could watch her night and morning at her
mirror, was the silver-framed photograph. (She had never asked him for
his portrait) In a line on the wall, looking down on her as she lay
curled up in bed, were four more photographs. His jealousy became
maddening. His old suspicions crept back to haunt him. Who was this Tom?
What claims had he on her? Was Tom her permanent lover, and he the
man with whom she had trifled for relaxation--was that it? Even in the
moment of parting, after she had shown herself capable of abandon, her
lips had been motionless beneath his passion. To her he had offered
himself soul and body; at intervals she had been sorry for him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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