spare myself,--if you are frightened at the uncertainty of the future,
and estrangement and solitude and the censure of men, if you cannot rely
on yourself, in fact, tell me so openly and without delay, and I will go
away; I shall go with a broken heart, but I shall bless you for your
truthfulness. But if you really, my beautiful, radiant queen, love a man
so petty, so obscure as I, and are really ready to share his
fate,--well, then, give me your hand, and let us set off together on our
difficult way! Only understand, my decision is unchanging; either all or
nothing. It’s unreasonable ... but I could not do otherwise--I cannot,
Irina! I love you too much.--Yours, G. L.’
Litvinov did not much like this letter himself; it did not quite truly
and exactly express what he wanted to say; it was full of awkward
expressions, high flown or bookish, and doubtless it was not better than
many of the other letters he had torn up; but it was the last, the chief
point was thoroughly stated anyway, and harassed, and worn out, Litvinov
did not feel capable of dragging anything else out of his head. Besides
he did not possess the faculty of putting his thought into literary
form, and like all people with whom it is not habitual, he took great
trouble over the style. His first letter was probably the best; it came
warmer from the heart. However that might be, Litvinov despatched his
missive to Irina.
She replied in a brief note:
‘Come to me to-day,’ she wrote to him: ‘_he_ has gone away for the whole
day. Your letter has greatly disturbed me. I keep thinking, thinking ...
and my head is in a whirl. I am very wretched, but you love me, and I am
happy. Come. Yours, I.’
She was sitting in her boudoir when Litvinov went in. He was conducted
there by the same little girl of thirteen who on the previous day had
watched for him on the stairs. On the table before Irina was standing an
open, semi-circular, cardboard box of lace: she was carelessly turning
over the lace with one hand, in the other she was holding Litvinov’s
letter. She had only just left off crying; her eyelashes were wet, and
her eyelids swollen; on her cheeks could be seen the traces of undried
tears not wiped away. Litvinov stood still in the doorway; she did not
notice his entrance.
‘You are crying?’ he said wonderingly.
She started, passed her hand over her hair and smiled.
‘Why are you crying?’ repeated Litvinov. She pointed in silence to the
letter. ‘So you were ... over that,’ he articulated haltingly.
‘Come here, sit down,’ she said, ‘give me your hand. Well, yes, I was
crying ... what are you surprised at? Is that nothing?’ she pointed
again to the letter.
Litvinov sat down.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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