“And where is he who gave us the conniptions, That cheeky man from the United States, Who came unto my bedside for subscriptions To—what was it?—the ‘Life of Sergeant Bates’?” “Upon a special train that man is flying Unto Siberia in a third-class car; Thou badest him ‘dry up!’ and he is drying: _Bogu Tsarachnie!_ God protect the Tsar!” “And where is he who bored us for insurance On life or fire, who down the chimney came?” “My liege, beneath our feet in deepest durance He pays with penance for his little game.” “And, after him, the pedlar who came plungin’ Into the parlour, smoking a cigar?” “Ask of the vipers in the palace dungeon: _Bogu Tsarachnie!_ God protect the Tsar!” “And that young man who always kept a-saying, ‘That is the kind of hair-pin that I am’?” “My liege, the strychnine in his vitals playing May tell you how I stopped that kind of flam. “And he who at this day is still repeating, ‘What, never, never?’” “In a butt of tar We coopered _him_. His heart’s no longer beating: _Bogu Tsarachnie!_ God protect the Tsar!” “And where is he who on the imperial fences Inscribed _Pop’s Bitters_, and _Take Fooler’s Pills_?” “My lord, his medicines were no defences, In Hades he atones for earthly ills.” “And that confounded nuisance of a Scotch Guard Who played the bagpipes up and down the car?” “My lord, the imperial headsman wears his watch-guard: _Bogu Tsarachnie!_ God protect the Tsar!” “Captain, ’tis well. Now telegraph to London That every Nihilist has had his dose, And that a fresh conspiracy is undone, And keep the gum-drop, corn-ball peddlers close Who spread sedition in the trains to ’stress me; And keep the gates of anarchy ajar; So may Saint Feoderskidobry bless thee! _Bogu Tsarachnie!_ God protect the Tsar!” MELODRAMNATION