St. Bernard's: The Romance of a Medical StudentBerdoe, Edward
General
St. Bernard's: The Romance of a Medical Student
Berdoe, Edward
Medical students -- Fiction
Paracelsus,—the Paracelsus made known to this age, not by the false
portraits limned by his contemporaries and enemies but as drawn by the
master hand of Browning,—seemed to step out from the dark past and
forbid his progress on a path he had traversed. A horrible sense of
degradation took possession of him. He had once held a lofty ideal.
When at Oxford, when his faith in God was a real working faith, he had
often vowed himself to the service of humanity. That the saints of the
Church, the fathers of the faith, the apostles, the prophets,
the teachers of the past should have all worked to hand down to
him—Elsworth—this noble, Divine light of Christian faith, which alike
impelled his adhesion and claimed his co-operation; and for him to
receive all, and then hesitate to give in his turn his best years
and his whole heart to the world’s needs, was surely but to be
repelled on its suggestion. But faith was gone, intellect had
usurped the place of will, the will was unsanctified, and the man
in brain and heart a chariot whose steeds rushed uncontrolled along the
beaten track of habit, and were carrying him—whither? If there _were_ no
hereafter—nothing beyond this life—was it worth while to go on with
this devilry, this riot, this attempt to drag the better part, the
reason, into the mire, with the swine? Why not forsake it all, and now
while there was time for repentance? The man was pulled up short:
thrown back like a horse on his haunches. A great gulf in these few
minutes was opened between him and the past; and not Paul when smitten
down on Damascus road was blinder as to the future than Elsworth on
this night in Seven Dials, amongst the suspicious men and bedraggled
women, who passed him as he moved listlessly along, arrested by the
scream of a conscience that would be heard at least once more, and
whose voice had unspeakable terrors for him. For he was made for better
things—that he always had felt; he was not vile, debauched, debased,
as some of his companions were. He had fought against light; he had
struggled not to believe, not that he might give the reins to his
passions, but that he might deify intellect. He thought it was cowardly
to leave those poor lads in the fight, but it was useless to go back;
and even if he could have saved them from arrest, he dare not engage in
any more of that work—away with that at least; it was too horrible to
think of any more. So on he went, scolding himself, calling himself by
every opprobrious epithet, and berating himself back into manhood
again. He had reached Chelsea; it was almost too late to get a lodging,
but he would try; for the conviction began to dawn upon him that he
should not go back one single step into the past, but there and then
break with it all, and be a man, and live a man’s life. He prayed—once
more repeated, “Our Father, which art in heaven;” it seemed very
unphilosophical, very unscientific. He had often sent out aspirations
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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