Looking at him now, his back buried in the soft chair, his face, so
pleasant to the eye, turned rather upwards, and his thin white hands
resting listlessly, one on the elbow of the chair, one down on his
knee, a stranger would have failed to detect anything amiss with the
person of Isaac St. John, or that it was not like other men's. For the
first forty years of Isaac St. John's existence, his days had been as
one long, ever-present mortification; that disfiguring hump and his
sensitiveness doing battle together. Why it should be so, I know not,
but it is an indisputable fact, that where any defect of person
exists, any deformity--two of the qualities pertaining to our nature
exist in the mind in a supereminent degree, sensitiveness and vanity,
perhaps for the good of the soul, certainly to the marring of its
peace. It has been so since the world began; it will be so to its
ending. Isaac St. John was no exception. There never can be an
exception; for this seems to be a law of nature. Remember the
club-foot of Byron, and what it did for him. This shrinking
sensitiveness, far more than his health, had converted Mr. St. John
into a hermit. It was terrible to him to go forth unto the gaze of his
fellow-men, for--he carried his deformity with him. Now that he was
advancing in years, growing onwards to be an old man, the feeling was
wearing off; the keen edge of the razor which had cut all ways was
becoming somewhat blunt: but it must ever remain with him in a greater
or lesser degree.
He was not thinking of it now. It was when he was in the presence of
others, or when making up his mind to go into their presence, that the
defect was so painfully present to him. As he sat there, his brow knit
with its lines, two things were troubling him: the one was a real,
tangible care, the other was only a perplexity.
His own mother had lived to bring him up; and how she had cherished
and loved her unfortunate son, the only heir to the broad lands of the
St. Johns, that son's heart ached even now to think of. At the time
she died, he wished he could die also; his happiest thoughts now were
spent in her remembrance; his most comforting moments those when he
lost himself in the anticipation of the meeting that awaited them
hereafter. He was a grown-up man, getting old it almost seemed to his
lonely heart, when the little half-brother was born, the only issue of
his father's second marriage. How Isaac St. John took to this little
baby, loved it, fondled it, played with it, he might have been half
ashamed to tell in words. The boy had been his; as his own; since the
death of their father, he had been his sole care; and now that boy,
grown to manhood, was going the way of the world and bringing trouble
into his home. No very great and irremediable trouble yet: but enough
to pain and worry the sensitive heart that so loved him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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