"When I was a child (before I went to school at 9)," he writes, "I was already of an affectionate disposition, an affection turned readily to either sex. No boy was the cause of my inclinations, which were quite spontaneous. (No doubt, part of the cause may be found in our social system, by which ladies are rather drawing-room creatures to be treated with distant respect.) When I was 10, at a preparatory school, I first began to form attachments with other boys of my own age, in which I always had regard to physical beauty. It is this stage, in which the sexual element is latent, that Shelley speaks of as preceding love in ardent natures. "At 12 I learned masturbation, apparently by instinct, and, I regret to say, practised it to excess for the next seven years, always secretly and with shame, and often with the accompaniment of prurient imaginings which did not prevent my relations with those I loved being of a very spiritual nature. Masturbation was often practised daily, with bursts of repentance and abstinence, latterly more rarely. But until I was 15 I really knew nothing of sexual matters, and it was not till I was at least 17 that I was conscious of sexual desire, which I repressed with shame. "Owing to excessive self-abuse, I am unable to emit except manually, but desire is strong. I think naked contact would suffice, and in any case intercrural connection. _Pedicatio_ and _fellatio_ I abhor. I love boys between the ages of 12 and 15; they must be of my own class, refined, and lovable. I only desire the active masculine part. I now regard my inclinations as natural and normal to me. The difficulty is that of leading the other party to regard it as such, besides the young age required and clandestine nature of proceedings necessary. The moral difficulties of circumstances are so strong that I have little hope of ever gratifying my passion fully. I have found myself deceived in the character of the boy twice. The last friendship lasted three years, during which time I only saw him naked two or three times (this caused erection), never touched him pruriently, and only kissed him once. "I have never found a satisfactory object of my affections, and my happiness, perhaps my health, have been seriously injured. At my public school a master helped me to a truer understanding of these things. The merely animal sodomy which exists in many public schools was unknown. What I learned of sex I learned for myself. I am recommended to turn my aspirations to the abstract universal maid; but so far at least I cannot do it.