"It must have been from this incident that the calculated effect of flagellation began to have weight with me when I indulged my imagination. A wish to be repulsed, trampled, violated by the object of my passion took hold of my instincts. Even then--and, indeed, up to my 13th year--I had no idea of normal sexual connection. I knew vaguely that children were born from women's bodies; I did not know--and when told I did not believe--the true facts of the marital relationship. All that I had experienced--both in fact and imagination--was to me so highly individual that I had no notion anything kindred to it could exist outside of my own experience. I had no notion of sex as the basis of life. Even when I came gradually to realize that men and women were formed in a way that argued connection with each other, I still believed it to be a dissolute sort of conduct, not to be indulged in by those who had claims to respectability. "I had, however, by this time arrived at a strong attraction toward the organs of generation and all aspects of puberty, and my imagination spent Itself in a fantastic worship of every sign of masculinity. My enjoyment now was to imagine myself forced to undergo physical humiliation and submission to the caprice of my male captors, and the central fact became the discharge of urine from my lover over my body and limbs, or, if I were very fond of him, I let it be in my face. This was followed usually by a half-caressing castigation, in which the hand only was instrumental.