Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 5: Erotic Symbolism; The Mechanism of Detumescence; The Psychic State in PregnancyEllis, Havelock
Science
Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 5: Erotic Symbolism; The Mechanism of Detumescence; The Psychic State in Pregnancy
Ellis, Havelock
Sex; Sex (Psychology)
A., after writing once, ceased writing at all and once more her
mother and I were left in a state of anxiety and suspense. At
last I determined to go to Melbourne to look for her, the only
clue I had being a remark in her letter that a certain actor was
giving her an engagement. In Melbourne I could not find any
traces of her for some days and what traces I did find of her
were not calculated to allay my anxious fears. One hotel-keeper
told me that some one of A's name had stayed there with another
hussy (giving Miss T's stage name): "There were nice carryings on
with the pair of them." I thought of Miss T's strange looks, but
could not imagine what hold she had on A., for A. loved me, I
knew. I seemed to be in an inextricable maze. I could settle to
nothing and was thinking of applying to the police when I heard
that the actor A. had mentioned had taken his company to the
Gippsland lakes. I followed to Sale, found the actor and was told
that A. was not there. "She slipped me at the last moment," he
said, "and remained in Melbourne." I returned to my lodgings,
with my anxiety and nervous restlessness increased tenfold. But
suddenly my fear and restlessness left me like a cloud. I felt
quiet, young, peaceful, able to enjoy the country, A. was
doubtless all right and would be able to explain her silence. I
undressed leisurely and happily, thinking of the stars.
The next day, Sunday, I awoke refreshed and still at peace. After
breakfast, hearing children's voices, I went out into the garden
and there was a collision of souls who somehow were affinities. A
young girl about twelve or younger with a fine presence and
handsome face fixed her eyes on me for half a minute and then
came and sat on my knee. She was one of those children I am
accustomed to call "love-children," because they are so much
brighter, healthier, larger and more loving than others. I always
imagine more love went to their making. We fell in love and she
said, stroking my beard, "Oh, you are pretty!" and I said, "And
so are you!" We were so affectionate that the servant called the
child away and I went for a walk, finding my little sweetheart
waiting for me on my return. The touch of her hand was electric
and her voice fresh and musical. I kissed her, but had become
more self-conscious since the morning and wondered if her mother
or the servant were looking, or even of they would appear. I was
not so frank and natural as my little chum. I have often thought
of her since. She had the breadth of forehead, the strength and
yet lightness of limb, together with the hands and feet, not too
small, that I always imagine the dwellers in Paradise will have.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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