Humorous stories; United States -- Social life and customs -- 20th century -- Fiction
"No, I'm not a ghost, if that's what you mean. You are looking at Susan
Clegg in the flesh--all the flesh that ain't been scared clean off her.
But it's the greatest miracle as ever happened in this community that
it's my body and not my spirit as is here to tell the tale. My house was
broken into by a burglar, Mrs. Lathrop, and I was tied up and gagged in
one of my own chairs."
Mrs. Lathrop just gasped. Susan drew herself up a little straighter,
gaining courage from the sound of her own voice, and striking something
like her old oral gait.
"I was gagged for five hours, Mrs. Lathrop, and knowing me as you do for
all these years and years, maybe you can feel what being gagged for five
hours and not able to say even 'boo' meant to a active person like me.
Every one of those hours was like a eternity in a Spanish inferno of
torture. And everything I possess in this world, from my bonnet and
striped silk dress to Father's deeds at the mercy of that gagger. And
all I've got to say is this: If I hadn't of been built over, it never in
the wide creation would have happened. And if your son Jathrop thinks he
can ever make up to me for being gagged by inviting me to a Christmas
dinner, most of which I cooked with my own hands, and offering to give
me strange pieces of furniture to take the place of pieces as is old
friends and dearer than the apples of my two eyes, he'd better do some
more thinking. There never was nothing about the house I was born in and
my mother and father died in to make a burglar look at it twice. No
burglar as had any respect for himself or his calling, Mrs. Lathrop,
would have looked at it once or knowed as it was there. But built over
it's as different as diamon's is from pebbles. It looks money from the
tips of its lightning rods to its cellar windows and is as inviting to
robbers as if it had a sign on the gatepost, reading: 'Walk in!' So,
however you look at it, there's nobody responsible for my gagging and
for whatever is missing but one man, and that man is Jathrop Lathrop.
It's easy to be seen as he's no more fit to have money than a crow as
steals gold trinkets that cost fortunes and goes and hides 'em in hollow
trees. He was born poor, and the Lord meant him to stay poor, no matter
what Mrs. Allen and her Persian religion has to say about things as
happens being meant to happen. The Lord hadn't nothing to do with
Jathrop going to the Klondike and getting rich, you can be certain
about that. If he hadn't been fool enough to take a kicking cow for a
perfectly good debt and then let it loose to ride over a peaceful and
long-suffering community, he'd 'a' lived and died a pauper in this here
very town. So's far as I can see it was the devil and not the Lord as
guided Jathrop from the first, and everything as has happened since
shows the devil is still guiding him. Everything he turns his mind to
goes by contraries. I'm not saying anything against the goodness of
Jathrop's intentions, mind you, Mrs.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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