Perhaps I am too delicate--but R----‘s note, enclosed in your last, my
Gabrielle, was unlike his former letters. It was not passionate, it was
only reasonable. A man who can reason is no longer in love. The manner
in which he speaks of divorce shocked me beyond expression. Is it for
him to talk of scruples when upon this subject I have none? I own to you
that my pride and my tenderness are sensibly wounded. Is it for him to
convince me that I am in the wrong? I shall not be at ease till I
hear from you again, my amiable friend: for my residence here becomes
insupportable. But a few short weeks are past since I fancied Leonora an
angel, and now she falls below the ordinary standard of mortals. But
a few short weeks are past since, in the full confidence of finding in
Leonora a second self, a second Gabrielle, I eagerly developed to her my
inmost soul; yet now my heart closes, I fear never more to open. The sad
conviction, that we have but few ideas, and no feelings in common,
stops my tongue when I attempt to speak, chills my heart when I begin to
listen.
Do you know, my Gabrielle, I have discovered that Leonora is
inordinately selfish? For all other faults I have charity; but
selfishness, which has none to give, must expect none. O divine
sensibility, defend me from this isolation of the heart! All thy
nameless sorrows, all thy heart-rending tortures, would I a thousand
times rather endure. Leonora’s selfishness breaks out perpetually; and,
alas! it is of the most inveterate, incurable kind: every thing that is
immediately or remotely connected with self she loves, and loves with
the most provoking pertinacity. Her mother, her husband, she adores,
because they are her own; and even her sister’s children, because she
considers them, she says, as her own. All and every possible portion
of self she cherishes with the most sordid partiality. All that touches
these relations touches her; and every thing which is theirs, or, in
other words, which is hers, she deems excellent and sacred. Last night I
just hazarded a word of ridicule upon some of the obsolete prejudices
of that august personage, that Duchess of old tapestry, her still living
ancestor. I wish, Gabrielle, you had seen Leonora’s countenance. Her
colour rose up to her temples, her eyes lightened with indignation,
and her whole person assumed a dignity, which might have killed a
presumptuous lover, or better far, might have enslaved him for life.
What folly to waste all this upon such an occasion! But selfishness
is ever blind to its real interests. Leonora is so bigoted to this old
woman, that she is already in mind an old woman herself. She fancies
that she traces a resemblance to her mother, and of course to dear self
in her infant, and she looks upon it with such doting eyes, and talks
to it with such exquisite tones of fondness, as are to me, who know
the source from which they proceed, quite ridiculous and disgusting. An
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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