I once had recourse to my pencil as a desperate experiment. I
painted an exact resemblance of this phantom face. I placed it
before me in hopes that by constantly contemplating the copy I
might diminish the effect of the original. But I only doubled
instead of diminishing the misery.
Such is the curse that has clung to my footsteps—that has made my
life a burthen—but the thoughts of death, terrible. God knows
what I have suffered. What days and days, and nights and nights,
of sleepless torment. What a never-dying worm has preyed upon my
heart; what an unquenchable fire has burned within my brain. He
knows the wrongs that wrought upon my poor weak nature; that
converted the tenderest of affections into the deadliest of fury.
He knows best whether a frail erring creature has expiated by
long-enduring torture and measureless remorse, the crime of a
moment of madness. Often, often have I prostrated myself in the
dust, and implored that he would give me a sign of his
forgiveness, and let me die.—
Thus far had I written some time since. I had meant to leave this
record of misery and crime with you, to be read when I should be
no more. My prayer to heaven has at length been heard. You were
witness to my emotions last evening at the performance of the
Miserere; when the vaulted temple resounded with the words of
atonement and redemption. I heard a voice speaking to me from the
midst of the music; I heard it rising above the pealing of the
organ and the voices of the choir; it spoke to me in tones of
celestial melody; it promised mercy and forgiveness, but demanded
from me full expiation. I go to make it. To-morrow I shall be on
my way to Genoa to surrender myself to justice. You who have
pitied my sufferings; who have poured the balm of sympathy into
my wounds, do not shrink from my memory with abhorrence now that
you know my story. Recollect, when you read of my crime I shall
have atoned for it with my blood!
When the Baronet had finished, there was an universal desire
expressed to see the painting of this frightful visage. After
much entreaty the Baronet consented, on condition that they
should only visit it one by one. He called his housekeeper and
gave her charge to conduct the gentlemen singly to the chamber.
They all returned varying in their stories: some affected in one
way, some in another; some more, some less; but all agreeing that
there was a certain something about the painting that had a very
odd effect upon the feelings.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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