Tales of St. Austin'sWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Tales of St. Austin's
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories; Schools -- Fiction
The jury brought in a unanimous verdict of guilty against the missing
animal, and over a sorrowful cup of tea, eked out with bread and
jam--butter appeared to be unpopular--discussed the matter in all its
bearings. The cat had not been an inmate of Prater's House for a very
long time, and up till now what depredation it had committed had been
confined to the official larder. Now, however, it had evidently got its
hand in, and was about to commence operations upon a more extensive
scale. The Tabby Terror had begun. Where would it end? The general
opinion was that something would have to be done about it. No one
seemed to know exactly what to do. Montgomery spoke darkly of bricks,
bits of string, and horse-ponds. Smith rolled the word 'rat-poison'
luxuriously round his tongue. Shawyer, who was something of an expert
on the range, babbled of air-guns.
At tea on the following evening the first really serious engagement of
the campaign took place. The cat strolled into the tea-room in the
patronizing way characteristic of his kind, but was heavily shelled
with lump-sugar, and beat a rapid retreat. That was the signal for the
outbreak of serious hostilities. From that moment its paw was against
every man, and the tale of the things it stole is too terrible to
relate in detail. It scored all along the line. Like Death in the poem,
it knocked at the doors of the highest and the lowest alike. Or rather,
it did not exactly knock. It came in without knocking. The palace of
the prefect and the hovel of the fag suffered equally. Trentham, the
head of the House, lost sausages to an incredible amount one evening,
and the next day Ripton, of the Lower Third, was robbed of his one ewe
lamb in the shape of half a tin of anchovy paste. Panic reigned.
It was after this matter of the sausages that a luminous idea occurred
to Trentham. He had been laid up with a slight football accident, and
his family, reading between the lines of his written statement that he
'had got crocked at footer, nothing much, only (rather a nuisance)
might do him out of the House-matches', a notification of mortal
injuries, and seeming to hear a death-rattle through the words 'felt
rather chippy yesterday', had come down _en masse_ to investigate.
_En masse,_ that is to say, with the exception of his father, who
said he was too busy, but felt sure it was nothing serious. ('Why, when
I was a boy, my dear, I used to think nothing of an occasional tumble.
There's nothing the matter with Dick. Why, etc., etc.')
Trentham's sister was his first visitor.
'I say,' said he, when he had satisfied her on the subject of his
health, 'would you like to do me a good turn?'
She intimated that she would be delighted, and asked for details.
_'Buy the beak's cat,'_ hissed Trentham, in a hoarse whisper.
'Dick, it _was_ your leg that you hurt, wasn't it? Not--not your
head?' she replied. 'I mean--'
'No, I really mean it. Why can't you? It's a perfectly simple thing to
do.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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