After his evening meal he took up his bed in his arms and placed it on
the opposite side of the cell, under the window. He sat there for some
time as though resting after this effort. The muttering of two children
on a doorstep in the street below came to him on the evening light with
melodramatic stops and emptiness. It bore with it an image, like an old
picture, bituminous and with a graceful, queer formality. It fixed itself
before him like a mirage. He watched it muttering.
He began slowly drawing off his boots. He took out the laces, and tied
them together for greater strength. Then he tore several strips off his
shirt, and made a short cord of them. He went through these actions
deliberately and deftly, as though it were a routine and daily happening.
He measured the drop from the bar of the ventilator, calculating the
necessary length of cord, like a boy preparing the accessories of some
game. It was only a game, too. He realized what these proceedings meant,
but shunned the idea that it was serious. Just as an unmoral man with a
disinclination to write a necessary letter takes up the pen, resolving to
begin it merely and writes more and more until it is, in fact, completed,
so Kreisler proceeded with his task.
Standing on his bed, he attached the cord to the ventilator. He tested
its strength by holding it some inches from the top, and then, his
shoulders hunched, swaying his whole weight languidly on it for a moment.
Adjusting the noose, he smoothed his hair back after he had slipped it
over his head. He made as though to kick the bed away, playfully, then
stood still, staring in front of him. The last moment must be one of
realization. He was not a coward. His caution was due to his mistrust of
some streaks of him, the sex streak the powerfullest.
A sort of heavy confusion burst up as he withdrew the restraint. It
reminded him of Soltyk’s hands on this throat. The same throttling
feeling returned. The blood bulged in his head. He felt dizzy; it was the
Soltyk struggle over again. But, as with Soltyk, he did not resist. He
gently worked the bed outwards from under him, giving it a last steady
shove. He hung, gradually choking, the last thing he was conscious of,
his tongue.
The discovery of his body caused a deep-felt indignation among the staff
at the police-station. They remembered the persistence with which this
unprincipled and equivocal vagrant (as which they still regarded him)
had attempted to get into the building. And it was clear to their minds
that his sole purpose had been to hang himself on their premises. He had
mystified them from the first. Now their vague suspicions were bitterly
confirmed, and had taken an unpardonable form. Each man felt that this
corpse had personally insulted and made a fool of him. They thrust it
savagely into the earth, with vexed and disgusted faces.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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